Archive for July, 2018

Family home

Twinning cousins 😍. My sister bought these ensembles for her daughter and Saitaoha. Needless to say, Saitaoha was thrilled and insisted on wearing this all day. She loves her LG jeje so much, I think spending so much time with her jeje has been the highlight of her holiday.

Hehehe my BIL came out from a shop and said ‘there’s a stuffed penguin in there that looks just like Saitaomei when she smiles’. Of course we had to go in and take a picture.

Is the food coming??? I’m tired ….

Zzzzzzzzz…..

It was a glorious day of eating and shopping, the kids had ice cream twice and once even before dinner! I love llao llao, I might have it again before I leave Kuching.

We opted out of the big extended family seafood dinner and had hawker food instead! Which somehow ended up with us eating on the floor in ah ma’s bedroom. It reminded me of the old days when we would have supper in ah ma’s bedroom, packets of noodles placed on newspapers strewn on the floor.

The family home might be sold in the near future. It is my sanctuary and a place that holds many happy childhood and teenage memories. I’m hoping that we will be able to build more happy memories and a new sanctuary in Perth for our family.

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Hoi ngao dan pok

Yippee I’m still in Kuching!

This is the face of a happy baby who is having a glorious time being pampered by all her yee yees and cousins. Tristan loves Saitaomei and plants kisses on her forehead every now and then, he even offers her his previous blue bear hehe.

Chomping away on her teething rusk, she can chew on these for ages. But what a mess, when she’s done, she’s covered with dried rusk on her hair, her nose, everywhere!

I haven’t been able to go out much because it’s too much a hassle to bring out both kids. Instead my family will dapao yummy meals back for me.

Like this delicious kueh chap and kopi from Stutong market. I was savouring this yummy meal and having a great conversation with my niece who was sharing all her toy creation ideas with me. I supervised the kids whilst the adults went out, the kids play well when their parents aren’t around! It’s a good bonding session for me too because I hardly get to spend time with the kids.

Nowadays ice kachangs don’t come in plastic packets, I mourn for the old days.

Ahhh finally kolo mee pang ang for dinner. It was still good even as a takeaway.

Chillax Saitaomei on ah ma’s lap, she is loving her car rides. Even though she’s an easy baby during the day, the nights are hard on my parents because she won’t settle till late, waking the whole household with her crying.

Ah ma says she’s ‘hoi ngao dan pok’, strong lungs (scream until lungs break) in foochow😅?

Not many pictures of my firstborn, she moves too fast and won’t pose for pictures. She’s a little terror and a mighty handful. Having two children means I’m always neglecting one for the other, you never win lah.

No one but a fellow express breastfeeding mum will understand the frustration and stress of having to maintain a supply and tediousness of three hourly pump sessions.

I was gradually decreasing my pumping sessions with the safety net of my frozen stash which I know will last Saitaomei till she’s one. But because we are travelling, my safety net is gone and I’m back to building supply again. It makes me all grouchy and sullen, I want to lock myself away from others with a big sign ‘MISS GRUMPS ALERT, will BITE, do not touch or talk to her’

Saitaoha’s first play centre

The gwai baby who loves going out. Today I met up with the in laws and she was a delight. Saitaoha on the other hand.. her gong gong asked for a hug and she firmly said ‘no!’ This kid is so stubborn and strong willed, my sister and mother say she takes after me. Karma is a b*tch hey?

We brought the kids to a play centre, Saitaoha’s first time and she loved it. I like it that we were the only customers there, kids had lots of fun and Saitaoha enjoyed herself thoroughly.

Emm she’s actually too small for this slide but she follows her bigger cousins on everything they do.

Gotta love ball pits, even though my sister scared me with all these horror stories of syringes in the pits yikes.

look how sweaty and tired she was afterwards. She didn’t eat much dinner and had a meltdown when we were home because she was too tired. Too much fun for this little one me thinks.

Dapao-ed food for dinner, all quite tasty I think, or maybe I was hungry.

Snails or ley as we call it that we didn’t manage to eat from yesterday’s dinner, it’s been years since I’ve had it and I still like it!

I’m very envious of my sisters because their kids are so mature and easy to look after. But yet I don’t want my kids to grow up haha. My parents and sisters have been helping me so much with the kids, I’m so thankful to have such supportive family members. Even though this trip is not really a holiday, it is becoming a really memorable one because the cousins are having a lovely time together and I’m grateful to spend time with my sisters.

Day two

Brunch of our very bak kut teh. The bkt uncle saw us trooping in one after another and said to my father in hokkien liao liao teng lai ah? (All back home?)

I couldn’t eat much because I was tending to a very fiddly Saitaoha. She’s so much harder to bring out compared to the chilled Saitaomei! She’s also feeling the heat a lot more.

Dinner at Pending seafood because ah pa wanted to bring Tspellstrouble for her favourite crabs. Unfortunately the stall that he wanted to bring us to was not open! We were the very first customers of an odd stall with very err old school equipment.

I don’t think they make high chairs like these anymore. We were very amused when they gave us large stones to crack crab with. Stones leh! They actually put two stones on a plate and quietly put it next to ah pa. I wish we took a photo 😂.

Noticed how cool and happy Saitaomei is?

Herrow, everyone eat crab I eat dummy!

In comparison her hot and sticky jeje who couldn’t sit still and refused to eat.

I must say the kids are having a whale of a time, our Aunty came by and was so surprised that the kids were still awake so late at night. Saitaomei in particular is loving going out everyday and car rides.

I can’t speak for the other adults but I’m knackered. I wish I had the kids’ energies. Probably coz I’ve been running on low fuel for a while, it doesn’t take much to run me down. I wonder when I can ever feel rested, maybe when my kids are five? Son son 😭.

We’re home

Yes, this is how I feel about the long travel home.

The flights weren’t too bad, kids were pretty good mostly because Saitaoha was so pleased to be with her cousins. There’s also safety and comfort in numbers, so much easier with so many pairs of hands. But we are exhausted from the lack of sleep. Both kids still aren’t well and I’m coming down with something too. Poor ah ma doesn’t get any rest because she still has Saitaomei for the night 😖.

Sent papa this photo and he said she looks hot. She was dressed for Perth’s winter and was still hot even though we peeled the layers off her at KLIA.

If she was a better sleeper she would be the perfect baby. Lucky she’s so cute, the custom officer who was quite grim at first, broke into a smile when she stared intently into his camera, ‘like buns!’ he exclaimed. Hahaha my bao cheeks.

We’ve finally reached home and have seen our grandmother. She looks exhausted. I wish her suffering would end soon.

The next couple of weeks will be tough, something tells me my parents will need a holiday after this. At times like these I wish my kids would hurry grow up.

I just feel like such a failure as a mother. Because this was such a rushed trip, I didn’t plan anything properly. My child is screaming for milk and I have no milk for her because we didn’t get to go to the shops in time and I didn’t pack any formula. I dropped a pumping spare part and didn’t bring spares like I normally would so now I’m worried about supply and the extra time. Both kids are sleeping so badly and my parents are just exhausted. I want to take control but I feel so tired.

I hope things turn for the better soon.

Headache

I was so tempted to call in sick today. Saitaomei is teething again and only slept close to midnight. I thought she would sleep in since she started her night late but she woke up at 5.30am! I have a migraine that seems to be building up, hopefully a coffee will do the trick. Sigh.

***

Today ah pa told me that he teared when he dropped Saitaoha off at daycare. ‘She was so happy when she woke up, greeted all of us good morning, had her breakfast and was all dressed up and energetic for the day ahead. She said goodbye to ah ma, got into the car then realised we were bringing her to school. She suddenly scrambled off the car and ran indoors yelling for your ah ma and asking for 抱抱. Ah ma tried to comfort her with a chocolate frog but she still didn’t want to go. In the end I had to carry her to the car. I talked to her all the way in the car, I was afraid she would be upset but she was ok. But when we reached the daycare, she gave me back the chocolate frog that ah ma gave her, and she said to me, Gung Gung, go home. I couldn’t help it, I cried.’

😭😭😭

***

Guilty grandparents bought toys and books for this spoilt little girl who totally has her Gung Gung wrapped around her little finger.

This little girl got a new plate!

My girls are so so lucky.

***

Out of all the siblings, I think I am the most prepared for my grandmother’s eventual passing. I went back home not that long ago and managed to spend time with mah mah and say my farewells.

But my heart still feels so heavy. I know it’s inevitable and an end to mah mah’s suffering. Yet my heart still feels like it’s breaking. I ache for my father, that he is losing his mother who loved him very very much. I fear the day that my children, who share such a close and loving bond with grandparents, will lose their Gung Gung Mah Mah, like how I’m losing mine. I almost can’t bear the thought. It’s too painful to think about it and I am not sure I could ever survive it.

Sigh why do people have to grow old ?

Grey

I’ve been feeling rather bleah for the past couple of days. I think it’s a combination of being unproductive at work, lack of sleep and fatigue, and feeling sad about my grandmother whose condition is deteriorating.

We had originally booked flights to go home in a few weeks. I was planning to take leave when my parents returned home anyway because I didn’t want to put Saitaomei in daycare. 8 months still feels too young for me and I don’t want to repeat Saitaoha’s situation where she went on a milk strike when we sent to her daycare at 7 months. Ah ma said why not go back with us since you’re on leave anyway? So I booked my tickets!

Then we received news about my mah mah, so ah pa is returning home this weekend while ah ma stays back till we fly out together. I am reminded of the sacrifice my parents are having to make by helping me take care of the kids. My father is away from his ailing mother, they are leaving their family home to the peril of strangers, leaving their familiar comfortable lifestyle and friends behind. Not to mention the financial burden of flying back and forth.

Yesterday a colleague asked me whether it was difficult leaving the kids behind to go to work. I told her honestly that it was ok because I know they’re receiving the best care and love with their grandparents. I said I wouldn’t even have considered having a second child if it wasn’t for my parents’ help.

During grey days like these, I’m thankful that I get to work from home and spend the day with Saitaoha. Her smiles never fail to cheer me up. I’m lucky that despite being annoyed with the situation at work, work still allows me to have a good work/life balance. It’s difficult to hold myself back and not take charge, but it really is the best time for me to cruise, observe and let nature takes its course. There is no way I could be this relaxed at work and after work if I was in my previous role.

Maintaining two households has brought a bit of financial pressure, but I’m still able to go on holidays, buy treats for my kids and have simple pleasures without feeling the strain.

I should be thankful and I am. I just hope we make it in time to farewell mah mah.


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