Archive for November, 2018

Day 2

I am nothing without my family.

I underestimated the healing process that would come with the cortisone injection. I was hoping I would be one of those lucky ones that has immediate relief after the injection. Alas it was not to be. In fact, I think I’m one of the unlucky ones that has to go through intense pain before relief starts kicking in. Just my luck. I just hope the relief does kick in, or else all this pain will be for nothing.

I’ve been in and out of hospitals so much this past few years. I would say this hospital procedure was one of the worst, not because of the doctors or nurses or the procedure itself, they were great and seamless. It was because I was sooo exhausted from the lack of sleep. The night before I had zilch sleep because of the pain. I took naughty Saitaomei who refused to sleep from my parents at 3am, and stayed in the living room with her till I had to go to the hospital around 5.30am. My poor ah pa, I kept asking him to go to sleep, reassuring him that I was ok with Saitaomei. But he kept coming out with blankets, and jackets, worried that we would be cold.

I sometimes wonder what I would do if my parents were not here. I’m not sure I would survive or want to survive.

So when we went to the hospital, I was in intense pain because I had to stop talking painkillers before the procedure. It was agony to sit in the moving car, like a cramp that wouldn’t stop. When we reached the admission room, I was the only black haired patient, everyone was elderly ๐Ÿ˜ž. Am I the youngest patient with this condition?

I kept willing the procedure to hurry go ahead because I was looking forward to be knocked out! Yes, that’s how crazy the constant pain and fatigue has made me.

I was so dismayed when I woke up to find that my leg was still painful. Wasn’t it supposed to be fixed straightaway? My blood pressure was unusually high, I could have told the puzzled nurse that it’s from the months of no sleep and constant pain. The pain when I got off the hospital bed and went to the toilet was so intense I teared and cried all the way to the toilet. Luckily the nurses were all so kind and R was there too. They quickly asked for my painkillers and I started feeling better.

My parents flew out the night before . I know they are so worried for me, I feel so sorry that I have caused them so much worry.

I woke up on the second day in agony, my leg felt like it was on fire, R was so shocked to see my pain and quickly passed me my meds. Luckily my sister took carers leave to look after me and the kids.

I still remember a couple of years ago when I had gallstones and was in pain and throwing up every hour. R had gone off to work and I didn’t know how I was going to look after Saitaoha who was only four months old. I called my sister sobbing for help. Immediately she left work, and both my sisters turned up at my doorstep, hustled me to bed and looked after my baby.

Well my saviour did it again. She played with the kids, Saitaoha especially was so happy that yee yee was there. She bathed them, fed them.

We had a picnic of Ubereats Nandos which was such a novelty for Saitaoha. They were so happy.

She stayed all the way till she had to go pick HC from work. And even then she took Saitaoha with her, lessening my workload, but Saitaomei is easy nowadays anyway.

She came back with yummy Lin’s cuisine for dinner, it was a fun dinner and I felt so much better than the start of the day.

I believe it was because I could truly rest knowing my sister would take care of the kids. I trust her completely like how I trust my parents completely. If I’m honest, I’m not sure I trust my own husband that much, isn’t that sad?

I slept. I really did! I slept so deeply that I was shocked when I woke up to see it was nearing lunchtime. I have really forgotten what it feels like to fall asleep and wake up.

What will tomorrow bring? Will my condition improve over time? I can only pray and hope so. But this post is just a reminder to never take my family for granted, to remind myself that I’m so lucky to have family that I can always count on in my time of need.

I may be going through my darkest times, but my family will always lead me towards the light.

Home is where the heart is

We have to be at the hospital by 6.15 am tomorrow *gulp*. I’m not worried about not being able to wake up since nowadays I don’t can’t sleep. But I am worried about the kids, it will mean disrupting their sleeping patterns.

Ah ma suggested that I stay over at theirs with the kids. So when I sneak out of the house, the kids can keep sleeping with their grandparents watching over them. That’s how I find Saitaoha and I sleeping in the guest bedroom tonight. Saitaoha calls it the ‘cupcake room’ because the bedsheets have cupcakes on them. I wanted to have Saitaomei with me because she sleeps better with me, but of course the vocal big sister insisted on sleeping with her mummy.

I feel safe in this house, especially with my parents just next door. Earlier ah pa was mopping the floor and turned on the heater insisting that the room is very cold despite it being a warm spring day (ah ma was trying not to roll her eyes ‘you know what your ah pa is like!’ she whispered). Yes that’s my ah pa, kind, caring and considerate to a fault.

But I won’t switch off the heater because I don’t want him to worry about us shivering in the cold. I am thankful though, and also shameful, that at my ripe old age, I still have my parents looking after me as if I were a young child.

I really hope I can fully recover soon so I can take off some of the burden from them and they can stop worrying about me and ไบซๆธ…็ฆ a bit.

Good days bad days

On a good day, I will have had a couple of hours sleep. I will be able to manage the pain at an uncomfortable but not in agony threshold. I’m able to play with the kids, chat with my parents, even cook a quick meal. On a good day, I can even fold the laundry and mop the floor. I can head out to the shops and last for at least half an hour without wincing.

On a bad day, I am awake all night. I watch the clock turn 1am, 2am, 3am… you get the gist. I get up at intervals and start taking a myriad of pills, more in desperation, to halt the pain and stop myself from groaning and thrashing about in bed, thus waking up the kids. On a bad day, I go to the other empty room, away from the husband and kids, where I groan and cry in shameless self pity. I pray to the gods to let me get through this. To end my suffering. In the morning, I can’t function, my only thought is to hustle the kids off to my parents so I don’t have to pretend to be a functioning human being. My child cries because I’m ignoring her. I’m a heartless, horrible mother but at that moment I just can’t.

When I finally wake up, my head is so groggy from the pills, it feels like I’m in a fog. I splash water on my face and drink lots of water. I don’t want to die like those celebrities from an overdose. It hurts to walk, sit or lie. I go over to my parents but am a miserable grouch. I feel sorry for them and for my kids.

Sometimes, many times I wonder what will happen if the procedure doesn’t heal me tomorrow. Please just heal me. I need to be me again.

Saitaomei is one year old

Phew I’m so exhausted from Saitaomei’s birthday party that I can hardly type. My feet are burning and it’s not just from the slipped discs, but all the prep work. Honestly, yesterday I thought i wouldn’t be able to prep for the party in time, my productivity levels have been so low and I tire so easily in the kitchen. It was literally, pop cupcakes in oven, lie down eat meds, get up, frost cupcakes, sit down, rest. I had two hours of sleep last night and I was so thankful because it was better than no sleep!

Thankfully my sister, bil and mum are Trojans, they helped out sooo much. Bil kept ferrying back and forth from my house to ah ma’s because he knew I couldn’t carry heavy stuff. Lasagnas are very heavy ok ๐Ÿ˜….

Right before the party started, I was at home and took a heavy dose of meds. That kept me on my feet for most of the party but I have to admit I was waning towards the end.

It was a great party! Lots and lots of food. I themed it Peppa pig because it’s one of Saitaomei’s first and fav cartoon.

Papa took ages making those Peppa pig food labels, seriously I wish he wasn’t such a perfectionist.

It was lovely catching up with family and friends. Even though I didn’t actually talk to anyone much! I was stuffing party favours in a room, talk about last minute.

Birthday girl was so pretty in her dress bought by da yee.

Saitaoha looked gorgeous too, also in a dress bought by yee yee.

The cousins at the after party ๐Ÿ˜‚. Gung Gung and mah mah who are shy by nature opened their house up to my friends to celebrate my child, I know what a sacrifice that is.

My dearest Saitaomei. I waited so long for your arrival at the dot of 37 weeks. You were such a small, tiny baby, chicken legs your Gung Gung secretly thought.

But how you have filled out since! You love your food.

Including the birthday noodles and chicken drumstick lovingly prepared by Mah Mah today.

Your sweet smile never fails to lighten my heart. You are my funny, cute, cool, stubborn and observant baby. I know people talk about the second child being neglected, perhaps we were a little more chilled about your milestones. But it doesn’t mean we love you any less.

We’ve been through so much together. In a year, we’ve travelled overseas twice and how you enjoyed being in Kuching and Singapore.

Mummy enjoyed being with with you and Gung Gung, Mah Mah too. It was a reprieve from the difficult periods in Perth. It’s been such a difficult year, made more so because I so want to be physically there for you but have really struggled, physically and mentally. Hopefully next year will be a better year, because I want to be able to enjoy quality time with you and your jeje.

It’s so lovely to watch your adoration for your jeje. Even though jeje bullies you sometimes, I know she loves you and sees you as her core family, ‘One fur Saitaoha, one for mei mei?’ she says as she shares crackers with you. May your love for each other grow and develop every day.

Your special bond with Gung Gung is also so touching to behold. He loves you so much and is so tender and caring towards you.

Never forget that your traditional Asian uncle Gung Gung rocked you to sleep, played with you patiently during the wee hours of the morning when you refused to sleep, fed you and carried you everywhere.

And how about your dearest Mah Mah, who unfailingly supported mummy during the darkest days? She not only takes such good care of your clingy sister, but juggles both of you at the same time, even feeding both kids at times. She sacrifices her own sleep, her meals, physical and mental health, just so your mummy can get some rest. Mah mah’s love for her grandkids and children is all encompassing and humbles your mummy every day.

Words can hardly describe how much I love you munchkin. Just know that I strive to be a better version of myself for you. You light up our lives. Mummy hopes that you will be strong, courageous, healthy and happy always. Happy birthday Saitaomei, thank you for a wonderful first year of you, papa, jeje and I can’t wait to grow old with you.


Went to the neurosurgeon today to get a third opinion (can you tell I’m desperate?!). He prescribed me different meds which seem to work much better than my previous painkillers, just praying it means I get some decent sleep tonight ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป. I feel like I haven’t slept for two months ๐Ÿ˜ซ.

In fact I should be sleeping now but I’m a masochist and decided to bake me kuih bingka ubi for Saitaomei’s birthday party. What was I thinking ?! This is also one of the reasons why I’ve been getting depressed, with the constant pain my productivity levels in every aspect have been at an all time low. I think R is actually running out of lunch bentos…

The specialist appointment left me with a ray of hope, I really and truly hope I will be pain free soon!! Please ah universe, you d tortured me enough already, give me a break can ?


Are these my darkest days or is there more to come?

Every night I lie awake in despair, the excruciating ache causing me to gasp in pain and rendering me sleepless most nights. Ironically, the most beautiful sight lies right next to me, my sleeping angel. I love her so much. At the moment I am the worst mother to my children. Last night Saitaoha jumped on to me from the couch . She didn’t mean to hurt me, she was just having fun. I let out a yell like a banshee, it scared her so much she scuttled off me and ran into the kitchen. A few seconds later she ran back to me and tried to make nonchalant conversation. I couldn’t even answer her, I was fighting back tears from the pain and the tears were winning.

Why would the gods give me such beautiful children only to let the pain rob me of being a good mother?

I am not the best person but I’ve really tried to be a good person. ็œŸ็š„๏ผŒไธบไป€ไนˆ๏ผŸ

My parents

The start of my second week off work. In the old days, I would be stressing and panicking if I took a day off work, let alone two weeks! I remember lying on the bed comatose from a bad flu and cough, but still checking and answering my work emails. My laptop and work mobile lay next to me and kept pinging as email after email came through. I called in to work to try and settle a work issue, my colleagues could hardly hear me because my voice was hoarse from all the coughing.

Those are days of the past. I haven’t checked my work inbox for days and haven’t done anything work related for the past week. In fact the only thing I did on my surface pro was email my boss to let him know I’m not coming in to work and putting in my sick leave through our HR kiosk ๐Ÿ˜….

But I’m not apologetic and I don’t feel guilty. Because I know I have to take this leave, I won’t be able to function or contribute at work with the pain. I tried for half a day, I don’t know who was more in pain, my colleagues from watching me walk around the office to alleviate the pain, or me trying to focus during our meeting but really all I was thinking of was the pain. I was also the only person standing throughout the meeting while everyone sat. It was embarrassing to say the least.

Sadly, my condition doesn’t seem to be improving so I will get a second opinion today. I console myself that at least it means I have time to prep for Saitaomei’s party.

Yes my baby is turning one year old this weekend. I’m elated and sad at the same time. Happy that we made it through the newborn stage and she is happy and healthy, sad that I will no longer have my baby and she is already starting to be toddler-ish.

I would not have made it this year if not for my parents.

This photo says everything about how much my parents have helped this year. My ah pa, my dearest ah pa is best at feeding Saitaomei. Over here, he took over feeding from me, and Saitaomei stopped fussing and drank quietly.

Then he decided she wasn’t comfy enough and placed a pillow under her.

Baby had enough milk and started getting cheeky. But Gung Gung still patiently feeds her and showers her with gentle words, cuddles and kisses.

Whilst I’m writing this, poor Mah Mah is trying to rest in her room because she has a bad back. I think it’s from too much exertion and carrying the grandkids too much ๐Ÿ˜ญ.

I am so lucky, my kids are so lucky to have Gung Gung and Mah Mah.


The physiotherapist warned me that I would feel extra sore after my session yesterday. She wasn’t kidding. I woke Saitaomei up at 3am (my witching hour again) with my coughs, she started wailing and I was in agony trying to carry her and soothe her to sleep. She cried, I cried.

Then 3 hours later I got ready for work very very slowly. Couldn’t even bring myself to talk to R because I knew it would be self pity drivel. I was so desperate I even tried the blow dryer on my leg for some heat. Lack of sleep +pain +mummy brain = brains fried.

I was feeling miserable and looking it. My child looked at me and said ‘I’m sorry mummy’. My heart broke into a million pieces and I said ‘I’m sorry Saitaoha’. I’m sorry I haven’t been a good, happy, active and able bodied mummy to you and Saitaomei.

At work my colleagues said I looked pale and in pain. I tried to sit down but it hurt too much. I printed off work and tried standing at the common area. But even that got too painful after a while so I started walking around the floor to loosen my muscles. Close to noon I knew it was impossible and that I wasn’t doing my company or myself any justice by pretending to be working when what I really wanted to do was lie down and shoot morphine down my veins.

So I left work and hung around the city to grab a lift from my sister to go to the doctor’s. Before that I went to my other sister’s office to pass her some chocolates for my niece. I just felt like I would feel better if I saw my sisters to be honest. She asked me whether I was ok and to my horror I started tearing! She felt so sorry for me that she started tearing too and gave me a much needed hug. Then she told me a funny story and I felt so much better.

I bought dinner for my parents, ah ma’s favourite Japanese because I wanted to somehow lessen her workload. I know they’ve had to help out even more than ever with my situation. My sister and I caught the train together and it was nice picking up my nephew at his school and listening to my sister chatter to her mummy friends. I felt quite apologetic because I wasn’t very friendly to her friends but honestly, I was still in pain and making conversation has been difficult lately.

The doctor gives me a week’s medical cert and asks me to come back after a week to see whether I need more leave. I think I might need another doctor, my normal GP is great for common colds and flus, but I don’t think he is as good at prescribing longer term treatment and care for conditions like mine. I told him I’ve only been taking off the shelf painkillers but they’re not working. He prescribes me stronger painkillers even though I worry out loud it might make me drowsy and I want to be alert for the kids. He said ‘why would you want to live in pain?’ Point taken.

I tell R I’m so excited for my painkiller, the last time I got so excited was when I had gallstones and that was a killer. We go to the pharmacy and supermarket with both kids, Saitaoha asked me to carry her but I said I’m sorry baby, I can’t ๐Ÿ˜ญ.

Pushing the trolley is not easy, this ordeal has humbled me greatly and I miss my mobility so so much. I will never take it for granted again. To walk, sit and stand without pain is such a blessing, I haven’t been pain free for a very long time.

Ah pa tells me to stay positive, ‘ๆ—ขๆฅไน‹ๅˆ™ๅฎ‰ไน‹’ he said, since it had already happened, you just have to face the music. Tia, an jua chio’ asked ah ma. How to laugh when you’re in pain?

But truly, I was able to laugh amidst tears today because of my family.

The witching hours

Isn’t it ironic that my child now sleeps through the night yet I now have sleeping patterns of a newborn? Every night I drift in and out of sleep every couple of hours and eventually wake up to take painkillers with the hope that it will numb the pain and allow me to sleep. It never works and I usually toss and turn and watch the the sun rise every morning. It is soul crushing and energy zapping at the same time. During these mind numbing witching hours, I have morbid thoughts and wonder what I’ve done so badly to have the universe treat me this way. It’s hours of ๆˆ‘็š„ๅคฉ self pity and I honestly hate myself being like that. Pain, lack of sleep and exhaustion really brings out the worst in a person and gosh have I seen the worst in myself.

Today Saitaoha insisted on going to her Gung Gung Mah Mah’s house the second her eyes snapped open. She then proceeded to have a mini meltdown when I said ‘how about stay home with mummy?’ In the end my ah pa whisked her away with Saitaomei and I had a morning of trying to get some sleep. I was sad and relieved at the same time. Even my child doesn’t want to be around me and I really don’t blame her.

Dark days like these I just miss the old me so badly. The old me that didn’t have aches and pains everywhere. The one where I was mobile and could go travelling and trek around for foodie haunts. The old me that could babywear my child for hours and rock her to sleep. I just miss feeling alive and not being in pain so much.


I kinda really hate my life at the moment. Not being able to sleep at night then crashing in the morning whilst others look after the kids for me is just depressing. All the painkillers are making me feel nauseous and the crazy sleeping patterns make me feel so lethargic and useless.

This morning I couldn’t even get up to make breakfast for R and Saitaoha. By the time I got up both of them had left to go shopping ๐Ÿ˜ญ. I feel like my life is in some grey fog and I’m trying to claw my way out of it.

Having said that, I had my first physio session today and it was quite promising. I also did some of the recommended exercises tonight and will do them diligently everyday. It was quite funny because the daughters were very amused with my floor exercises. Saitaoha started copying me and Saitaomei just clambered all over me. We ended up laughing quite a bit.

Ah ma agrees that it’s been a particularly bad year for me. Can’t catch a break on any front!

But sometimes I think how can it be bad when I have my funny little girls? They really are the light at the end of the tunnel. No matter how dark and long the journey is ahead, I always have them to show me the way towards the light. Just wait for me my daughters, I promise I’ll get there soon.

November 2018