Archive for October, 2018

Sister love

Oooh 😮 is my jeje really letting me sit next to her ??

Hehe she isn’t kicking me out guys! In fact she insisted that I sit next to her.

I think my jeje loves me 😍😍😍

Omg driver’s seat of her ultimate favourite aiji truck, YES! I have finally wormed my way into my jeje’s heart 💓


The pain in my hip and leg aches and radiates through the night even when I’m not moving! My leg feels really weak and sluggish and I feel so much dread when one of the kids wake up and need soothing or a milk/water run. Moments like these, I feel really depressed and wonder whether this is my life forever. Impaired by pain and limited in movement.

It has been a very tough year of physical and mental challenges. It would be easy to wallow in depression as I did earlier in the year. But what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Having overcome that bout of depression, I am much stronger mentally to deal with this latest setback. Of course there are moments when I’m still snappy (usually after a bad night) and take it out on the husband and kids. But I’m glad to say it’s only brief moments and not days or even hours.

Mostly I am thankful for my kids, my family. Truly wouldn’t be able to get through this rough patch if it wasn’t for them.

I really hope to put this period of ill health behind me one day and hopefully climb my way back to optimal health again. It feels quite impossible because to heal you need rest and I don’t/can’t rest. But where there’s a will there’s a way. 船到桥头自然直. I won’t give up and will continue to trudge on.

Sisters + Saitaomei is 11 months

My little fruit and veg seller. She’s obsessed with her new $10 toy food set. Every morning she wakes up and says ‘mummy I play with vegetables’. Hilarious.

This one is just happy being around her sister. Every night we have a tussle where she makes a beeline for her sister’s bed instead of her own bed.

So chuffed that she gets to be on the ride with her big sister.

Their relationship is getting closer and better, it’s really heartwarming to watch them together.

It just dawned on me that Saitaomei is 11 months today! Poor girl, really suffering from second child syndrome. She is such a lovely child, she usually has a serious expression on her face, so when she breaks into a smile, my heart just sings.

Her favourite person is definitely her sister, and she also loves her doting Gung Gung a lot! At 11 months, she is crawling very well, standing and cruising on furniture. Today I found out that she’s learned to get down from the bed backwards, which is pretty scary because the bed is too tall!

She knows how to wave goodbye, 拍手,and seems to be saying papa and mama. She’s a great eater and loves having broccoli as a snack, similar to her sister, she likes fish and egg a lot.

I’m looking forward to celebrating her first birthday but wish my leg will be better by then. It’s going to be hard prepping with this one wonky spine of mine.

My spine

So today my doctor told me that my CT scan results show that I have a prolapsed disc in my spine. There’s no cure, he said. For the second time this year, I’m told that I have something in my body that’s broken that will never completely heal again.

I was sad but not entirely surprised to hear the news. My greatest fear is that I will be wheelchair bound and be physically limited and a burden to my kids when I grow old. What can I do but work hard, save more so that I can afford paid care in the future ?

Since the kids, I have really taken a toll physically and mentally. Some women were born to breed, I’m not one of them. Doctor told me that I have to stop aggravating my condition and to rest and stop heavy lifting. We both looked at Saitaoha and knew it was impossible. I can’t stop being a mother. And being a mother is very physical work.

I am thankful though, that I’m mentally no longer in those dark days, and am able to face news like that with a positive outlook. I’m really quite ok. And it was good being able to have an honest conversation with R about what it meant.

Today we had one of our very infrequent but enlightening talks. I asked him whether he knew what his flaws were. He said he never thought about them because ‘who has time? And even if you know them, what can you do about them?’

I told him that just taking the first step of acknowledging and recognising that you have flaws, is already a step forward in improving your character. I said my children exposed my weakest character flaws and I’ve never been more aware of them because I so want to be a better version of myself, so that they will be better too. Children are like sponges, they absorb what they see and hear. They mirror our characters, our habits, or behaviours.

I know he understood what I was trying to say and that to me was enough.

I babysat my not so baby niece LG today. I love it that my daughters adore my niece.

The littlest one so wanted to join in. She will have a forever friend in her sister, they just don’t know it yet. Lately they’ve been playing together a lot, it’s a joy to behold.

I love you my funny little girl.

and you too my bubba.

My body may be broken but my heart is full and spirit is strong because of you two.


R asked me how I felt about having both kids sleeping in the same room as me. Maybe he thought I was regretting the move or was very tired. I think I surprised him by telling him that ever since they’ve recovered, I’ve enjoyed having both my girls with me. ‘I feel 幸福,可是 I think you’re missing out’. It’s true that for the past few nights, I’ve felt incredibly blessed to have my lovely girls with me, I love watching their sleeping faces. I love it when they wake up with smiles on their faces and Saitaoha says ‘mummy! Mei mei! the sun is up!’ I feel like we’re part of an inner circle, a core unit that no one can penetrate, including their papa. I feel like I can withstand anything and anyone because I have them. Does that make sense? The relationship between a mother and her daughters, only a fellow mum and daughter will understand.

Back to her gleeful broccoli chomping habits. It’s funny how both girls like broccoli so much, lucky it’s a very good vegetable.

This one was happily trying on her papa’s cap.

I went over to my parents’ house tonight to retrieve more of my frozen ebm packs. Can I say I’m so glad that efforts in storing and expressing bm over the past year haven’t gone to waste? My supply was so much better this time, but I think it’s because I had more knowledge and better equipment haha.

Anyway, I always feel sad when I go over the my parents’ place when they’re not there. The house always feel so empty and I miss my parents. It’s quite silly because they will be back in a couple of weeks. But my parents bring so much warmth and love to the house, I love being there when they’re there. I’m always finding excuses to pop over or linger longer. My kids love their Gung Gung Mah Mah’s house and so do I.

The weekend that was

This weekend felt so different from the last weekend. Last weekend we felt a lot more productive, we spent quality time with the kids, R finished up some DIY job in the house, I cooked lunch bentos. The kids were just starting to get sick so it wasn’t too bad.

Fast forward this weekend, we hardly went out, I didn’t prepare any lunch bentos, R was comatose and stuck in bed with a fever most of the time, Saitaomei was still quite sick and Saitaoha was just getting better. I was aching all over and my leg/back felt like breaking, my nose was/is running and we were just surviving.

R was on the mend on Sunday, he could talk, we even brought the kids out for grocery shopping.

The one who has been suffering from cabin fever. She was thrilled to be out. Most of the time she’s such a joy and a funny, affectionate little girl. She sometimes stops what she’s doing halfway to give me a hug and kiss and says ‘I love you mummy’. Heart melts.

So cute when she was mimicking me carrying her mei mei and rocking/singing her Xiu Xiu to sleep.

This one has had a horrible time with her illness but is getting better. I miss her cheerful nature so much and can’t wait for her happy smiles to return again.

Ah Ma’s pumpkin kuih, very delicious even though my nose was so stuffed up I could only discern the taste after a few bites. I will miss my parents when they return to Malaysia this week.

I will miss out on the start of an exciting project at work because of this leave, but I’m also looking forward to just being with the kids and being a SAHM for a couple of weeks. Hopefully we will all be in good health then, fingers crossed.


I have to admit that I haven’t been kind to R since he caught the bug from the kids. In fact, I’ve been quite annoyed with his sleeping at 7pm and general lack of help with the sick kids, putting his illness down as ‘man flu’.

But I realised today that he’s really quite sick. He could hardly speak and didn’t even play with his beloved Saitaoha, only mustering a smile when she kissed him and asked him to get well soon. I banished him to the other room, and throughout the night, I could hear him hacking away. The kind of violent, persistent cough that rocks your whole body and makes your stomach hurt kind of cough.

When my kids are ill, I cuddle them, whisper soothing words, wipe their snot, mop their brows, rock them to sleep all night. When my husband is ill, I errr leave him to it.

I’ve always associated sickness = rubbing of Vick’s on the chest and back. The strong familiar vapour soothes my soul and brings me back to my childhood days, when ah pa would always rub Vick’s on us whenever we were sick. Even in my feverish stage, I always remembered my father’s comforting Vick’s rubs and him checking to see whether our fevers had gone down. I am glad to see the Vick’s tradition is still going strong, and my sick kids are always returned to me from their grandparents smelling of Vick’s. In fact, the other night Saitaoha asked me to rub her tummy.

Anyway back to the poor husband, I felt guilty for scoffing at his illness, so during his last coughing fit, I brought in a mug of warm water for him, and rubbed some Vick’s on his back and chest. He didn’t say anything but I hope he felt a teeny bit of comfort.

The kids are sick

Both kids are sick 🤒. Saitaomei has the worse of the bug, she is unable to sleep at night because of her congested nose, keeps rubbing her eyes and ears and just cries and cries all night long. She’s also been running a fever on and off, I’m monitoring her temp closely and so far it’s not too high. But this is definitely her most serious bout of illness yet at 10 months +.

I’ve been taking time off work mostly because the nights are so bad I can barely function in the mornings. Sometimes when she’s wailing and thrashing about in her throes of agony, I have to remind myself this is temporary and not cry along with her. But I feel so sorry for my bubba. And her big sister who is now with her grandparents but tells me she wants to go home every night.

I think about the upcoming three weeks when my parents go home and I’ll be with the kids all day alone. What the workplace must think of me, taking long periods of leave again and again, how my career has been washed down the drain. The other day one of my teammates tried to compliment me for a piece of work that I did for them, saying that the VIPs liked the work a lot. I think he was disappointed that I was not more receptive to the praise. How do I say this? It felt so odd to be praised for such low level, and to me, mediocre work. But I should be grateful. That at least during times like this when my kids are sick, they won’t miss me when I’m not at work. I am easily replaceable and dispensable. But I can’t lie, it does grate at the ego a bit.

If only I could feel a bit better about myself on other fronts. But I don’t. Physically , I look and feel terrible, I am a bag of broken bones wrapped in a huge layer of fat. Mentally, I question my capabilities as a mother.

But I am dealing with this self doubt much better than say six months ago. There are dark periods, usually in the wee hours of the morning when I’m pulling my hair out with a planking, screaming sick baby. But in the mornings, I always feel better. Thankful for my parents who sacrifice so much to help me. Thankful for my cute girls whom I love to pieces. Thankful for a husband that I can speak to about my worries and inner thoughts. We’ve had to work at this, really talking to each other, but we are improving.

So it’s not all bad, in the light of day, there’s actually a lot of good.


Ever since I’ve started having both girls in the bedroom with me, they seem to be sleeping better. But gosh, my nights are spent 提心吊胆, I am on high alert mode and am half awake most of the time to tend to a stirring one before she wakes the other up. Better sleep for the kids, but mummy is so tired.

But what else is new right? I wish I could be one of those mothers that enjoy every part of motherhood. But 我没那么伟大. In fact, being a mother makes me question my abilities and character ever more so. Sometimes I think I’m a monster and pity my kids and husband for having such a mother and wife. Then I see my parents squabbling and I know they’re just tired from looking after my kids and I feel like an unfilial daughter.

I can’t remember a time when I felt good about myself.

October 2018