Archive for July 18th, 2018

Grey

I’ve been feeling rather bleah for the past couple of days. I think it’s a combination of being unproductive at work, lack of sleep and fatigue, and feeling sad about my grandmother whose condition is deteriorating.

We had originally booked flights to go home in a few weeks. I was planning to take leave when my parents returned home anyway because I didn’t want to put Saitaomei in daycare. 8 months still feels too young for me and I don’t want to repeat Saitaoha’s situation where she went on a milk strike when we sent to her daycare at 7 months. Ah ma said why not go back with us since you’re on leave anyway? So I booked my tickets!

Then we received news about my mah mah, so ah pa is returning home this weekend while ah ma stays back till we fly out together. I am reminded of the sacrifice my parents are having to make by helping me take care of the kids. My father is away from his ailing mother, they are leaving their family home to the peril of strangers, leaving their familiar comfortable lifestyle and friends behind. Not to mention the financial burden of flying back and forth.

Yesterday a colleague asked me whether it was difficult leaving the kids behind to go to work. I told her honestly that it was ok because I know they’re receiving the best care and love with their grandparents. I said I wouldn’t even have considered having a second child if it wasn’t for my parents’ help.

During grey days like these, I’m thankful that I get to work from home and spend the day with Saitaoha. Her smiles never fail to cheer me up. I’m lucky that despite being annoyed with the situation at work, work still allows me to have a good work/life balance. It’s difficult to hold myself back and not take charge, but it really is the best time for me to cruise, observe and let nature takes its course. There is no way I could be this relaxed at work and after work if I was in my previous role.

Maintaining two households has brought a bit of financial pressure, but I’m still able to go on holidays, buy treats for my kids and have simple pleasures without feeling the strain.

I should be thankful and I am. I just hope we make it in time to farewell mah mah.

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