Archive for the 'Daitaoha is Emo' Category

The long road

Bad MRI scan results. A visit to my neurosurgeon. I’ve asked to delay surgery with the hope that I can heal in time. But am I just delaying the inevitable? I am not sure. I guess I’m buying time in the hope of a miracle and to allow my kids to grow up a little bit more so they’re less dependent on mommy. Which is so ironic considering how I’ve been bemoaning about how I wish they wouldn’t grow up so fast.

A reflective bus ride home. Trying to be positive with the silliest thoughts ‘At least it’s not cancer’ ‘Is my pain worsening or is this phantom pain that I’m imagining after the consult?’ ‘I am such a burden to my family’ ‘What a bad fall’

In the meantime I text my sisters to let them know and bask in their comforting words. R is less comforting, because he never minces the truth and tells it like it is, but I need that sense of reality. I’m going to have to tell my parents when I get home, I can already imagine their crestfallen worried faces, sigh, my poor long suffering parents.

This is my year of recovery. It has to be.


Old times new times

Last night I dreamt of my old workmates. We were gathering for drinks, catching up after such a long time of not working together, the camaraderie, the jokes and banter, the warm friendship and kindness were still there. Then one of the guys disappeared and turns out he went outside to plant a flag with the emblem of our old organisation. I woke up feeling teary and with such a sense of loss.

That’s when I decided I wouldn’t go in to work today. The night before I was doing the usual devil πŸ‘Ώ vs angel πŸ˜‡ debate on whether to call in sick because well, I am pretty sick and so are the kids. Despite knowing that my coughing, sneezing and sniffling self wouldn’t be welcomed in the office, I always feel guilty about not going in to work.

The whole day I felt useless, unproductive and lethargic. I thought I should start up the laptop to do some work, but I ended up playing with Saitaoha and watching mindless drama instead. I just can’t get excited about the work I do, arrggh. I’m going to try again tomorrow but it’s going to be an uphill battle.

On the bright side, Saitaoha was an angel today. Surprisingly it was R who commented that she would probably respond better with positive affirmations during meal times. My impatience and temper has not gone unnoticed πŸ˜‘. So I tried that today and she was a delight.

It’s difficult not to feel down when you’re sick. Especially when it’s no longer about you and more about how you’re worried you will infect the kids. Sometimes I long for the days when you’re only responsible for yourself. Then there moments like tonight when my girls snuggled up to me and we watched videos together. The sisters were holding hands and their little heads were resting against my chest. Then I thought ‘this is all worth it’.

The baby sleeps

The baby is finally asleep, hopefully for the night. Earlier she tossed and turned, giggled and whined, flopping around like a sleepy drunkard. I’ve actually missed this scene, it’s been almost two weeks since this girl has slept with me at night. A very very long two weeks made longer because there were days when I lay immobile in bed, wondering whether I would ever walk again, whether life would ever be normal again.

Thankfully, I’m slowly making my way back there. Today is another milestone because I can put Saitaomei to bed again. I can stop worrying that my parents are not getting enough sleep and rest.

In the weeks where it felt like life had come to a halt, Saitaomei started walking with confidence. She is now traipsing all over the place and it’s so cute to watch.

My fairy princess who is mighty pleased with the wings she scored from yee yee. She is very excited because it’s her favourite Tristan Koko’s birthday tomorrow. She keeps practising on us and saying happy birthday 🎁. Just like that, my dearest nephew is 6 years old. Time really flies. The little baby that I carried in my arms is now a grown up little boy, my baby is now walking. Life is so sweet but so short.

I feel like I’ve been given a lifeline to appreciate everyone and everything around me. Despite much apprehension, I braved it to the shopping centre today with both kids in tow. It turned out to be a very pleasant excursion and even R commented that I lasted very long and walked a lot. I enjoyed being with my family so much, dinner at Pepper lunch was also a joy.

This one had a taste of icecream πŸ˜….

I think she’s a fan.

Thankful for a lovely Sunday. It’s so nice to have my baby sleeping next to me again. As I kissed her tummy and she burst into giggles, I felt so happy to be alive and so thankful for my kids and my family.


Things that I’m thankful for :

This morning I was able to wake up at the same time as my husband and daughter.

I could answer my daughter when she called ‘where is mummy?’ and chat to her while she waited for her papa to prepare her morning milk.

We ate our breakfast of brioche buns with ham and cheese (lovingly given by mah mah the day before) together in the living room.

I told R ‘I’ve never appreciated being able to sit in the living room and have breakfast with my family more’. For the past week, I’ve been bed ridden and my world was confined to my bedroom and the corridor to the toilet.

I could choose a pretty dress for Saitaoha and steam iron it. She was very pleased with my choice and said the dress was ‘beautiful’.

I felt well enough to walk to my parents’ house. My ah ma was so happy to see me at her house and I know ah pa was so relieved and glad to see me too. They’ve been so worried 😒.

I was so happy to see Saitaomei who was being a couch potato.

Saitaoha and I played with balloons whilst waiting for her yee yee to bring her out to kai kai. Thankful for her yee yee who has been bringing her out a lot.

Spending time with Ms Tamchiak who is loving being one and allowed a bit of adult food. She was very keen to eat her yeezhang’s durian cheesecake.

Her favourite time is bath time, very similar to her jeje who loves bath time too. I look forward to bathing her again.

May tomorrow be a better day and may I grow in strength everyday.

4am musings

Will I never walk again? Will I be wheelchair bound ?

What if the injection never settles? How long till you determine that it hasn’t worked ?

All the doctors, nurses are so blasΓ© and nonchalant about the situation. It’s as if they’ve seen so many cases of the same thing, that they don’t really care anymore. But what if my case is different? I don’t whinge about pain until it really really hurts. If I’m bed ridden, it means it really really hurts. Surely that’s not normal ?

Will things ever be normal again? Will I be able to look after my children and be with them again ?

I miss Saitaoha and Saitaomei so much. I miss my parents too. I miss myself.

Magic window

Yelled at Saitaoha today.

Almost yelled at R too. Why is my family so reliant on me?!

😭😭😭. I just wish my parents were back already.


Everyday I’m like Cinderella and have this small window when the fairy godmother waves her wand and I magically feel better and can function like a human being. During those magical hours, I cook a simple dinner, feed the kids (who also magically change from their refusing to eat selves to become foodie angels), bathe Saitaoha and play with the kids.

For a few hours I feel sane, normal and like a mother and wife again. I’m able to joke with R, eat my only meal for the day and prep for the night ahead. Saitaoha loves this magical time the best, for a short time, she gets her mummy back. I hope kids have short term memory and if I get past this ordeal, that she is able to forget her barking mad, snapping and teary mummy who is either groaning in pain or gasping in tears.


I love showering with Saitaoha, it’s our girly ritual.

When I wipe her down with her bear hoodie towel, she always giggles and says ‘hi mummy bear!’

‘Hi Saitaoha bear!’ I replied.

‘I’m not Saitaoha bear, I’m baby bear!’ she said today.

‘Oh ok, hi baby bear’ I said

‘Wah Wah Wah’ Saitaoha fake cries like a baby.

‘What happens when mummy bear cries ?’ I asked her suddenly, thinking of the tears this morning.

She stops play acting and looks at me seriously. She reaches out her little hands and caresses my face ‘Don’t worry mummy bear, it’s ok…’

Then she gave me a kiss and a hug.

Thank you Saitaoha, mummy bear really needed that today πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•.

Different kind of pain

A lot of family and friends have been asking whether I’m still in pain. The answer is yes, but it’s a different kind of pain, not as constant and I’m able to sleep (sometimes). So, an improvement of some sort?

The pain though is sometimes more uncomfortable and annoying than painful. Imagine a bad leg cramp that never stops. Or a very bad case of pins and needles that makes walking impossible.

When it’s actually painful, it feels like when one has fallen down and grazed your leg badly, thus rubbing off the skin and exposing flesh. Imagine that happens for your entire right calf. Then pouring water over that exposed gaping wound. That’s how it feels when I exert pressure on my leg. It’s excruciating.

The pain itself is not so scary. It’s my thoughts and fears that scare me the most. The fear that this is my norm, the constant taking of painkillers, the limited movement. Even worse, not being able to ever carry my kids, swim, run or walk with them. No nightly supermarket outings. No playground fun. Not being able to join my family during any outings. Not meeting my sisters for lunch or retail therapy. Not partaking in any physical activity. No work or limited work for a long long time. Not being able to cook in the kitchen, or bake. Not being able to look after my children, bathe them, protect them. Not being able to help my parents or look after them. The list goes on and on and on.

It scares the hell out of me.

April 2019
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