Archive for the 'Daitaoha is Emo' Category

Farewell 2019 Hello 2020

I was trying to reflect on my 2019 when I realised that I couldn’t remember anything. Life went by in a blur and I was constantly chasing my tail, my memories are hazy and all I recall is the neverending cycle of the kids and myself being sick and getting well again. This is the reason why I have persisted in keeping a diary or blog of some sorts over the years, even when my brain fails me, my hastily jotted words bring me back my past memories and recollections.

I started this blog in 2009, exactly ten years ago! According to my posts, ten years ago was when I met R which I believe was the turning point and next stage of my life. In 2009 I secured permanency at a position which I then thought was a dream job. It wasn’t the dream job I envisaged but I learned a lot and it was definitely a stepping stone to where I am now in my career.

Fast forward ten years, 2019 was another turning point in my career. I went back to a field that I worked in ten years ago! Only this time it was a hundred times more challenging, not just because of the work context itself, but mostly because of difficult working relationships. Office politics dominated the second half of the year and caused me a lot of angst and grief. I wasn’t quite sure how to deal with it and there was the frequent temptation to run away. Luckily I didn’t, instead, I had some of the most difficult work conversations and hard talks of my career. Some were futile but there was also the pivotal moment where I forced my hand and difficult decisions were made. I am not proud of it but I am glad I didn’t back down. 2020 will be the biggest career challenge yet, it’s a make or break year and will define the next stage of my career. However unlike the past decade, work won’t be the dominating factor in my life (I hope!), my family still comes first and that I hope will help keep the stress at bay.

2019 was a really tough year for relationships. Work relationships were tricky and heartwarming at the same time. I enjoyed reconnecting with my old colleagues and working with them again. But some work relationships were challenging and downright horrible. Marriage wise, it’s been ten years since I first met R and we starting going out, six years of marriage. It all sounds very long but if you think about it, it’s not that long in one’s lifespan. You would think after ten years we would have our relationship dynamics down to pat and our marriage would be smooth sailing. The truth is it’s been a rocky couple of years and in 2019 we had some rough patches but also happy moments. I can’t deny that there were days when I tore my hair out and felt our relationship wasn’t worth the trouble or effort. Ten years and I still find it difficult to understand how and why he sometimes acts the way he does, and to be fair, I am sure he struggles with me as well. I wish I could be like other Instagram couples where their values, principles and lifestyles align and all looks peachy and rosy. I wish our marriage was that easy but it’s not. A lot of it is about tolerance, compromise, patience and understanding. With the arrival of kids our social life is pretty much nil, we find it hard to find time to go out on couple dates let alone go out with friends without the kids in tow. But we’ve made some changes to that and are trying to expand our social circle. I truly hope 2020 can be a turning point in our marriage where we can find a comfortable rhythm again.

The kids and their development has been the highlight of the year and I believe that will be the case for me every year. Saitaomei is at her cutest stage and is learning new things everyday. She has a strong and independent personality and is quite different to her sister who is sensitive and clingy. She’s a lot easier to take care of now that she has turned two, it’s less physical but more about mental development now and I will have to pay more attention to her cognitive skills including instilling the right values and morals. Saitaoha had a big year, she started her 3 year old pre kindy at our neighbourhood school and will be continuing with her 4 year old pre kindy in 2020. I am so thankful that she really really loves school and has thrived in the warm and fun learning environment. She makes me laugh all the time with her funny comments and stories. She also constantly surprises me at how thoughtful and sweet she can be. She has it tough in that I constantly expect too much from her as the ‘big sister’, it’s a constant struggle for me to remind myself that she’s only three and a small kid, I shouldn’t be putting all the expectations on her just because she is the older child.

Health wise it’s been a good and bad year. Good in that my prolapsed discs have miraculously regressed, bad in that I probably celebrated too much by not exercising, eating badly and irregularly and therefore succumbing to every minor illness under the sun. My immune system is at an all time low and the kids and I were sick A LOT in 2019, I developed bronchitis for the first time ever and had every viral illness going around the daycare. It really was very depressing because I was constantly worried about the poor sick kids, my parents who also caught our illnesses, I missed work or attended work whilst battling embarrassing coughing fits, the kids had coughing and throwing up sessions and boy did I do a lot of laundry runs in 2019.

I say this every year but really it’s been ten years since I took the plunge and really embarked on a weight loss and exercise lifestyle. Can I please just do it this year? It’s embarrassing but I really need to gain my health back! For myself and for the kids too.

2019 was my year of recovery after the bleak 2018, I made small gains in life and slowly regained some of that lost confidence. There are still days when I trudge into my house and look at the mess and pigsty that I live in and think ‘what the hell am I doing?!’, but I have some hope in regaining some stability from the chaos of mummyhood that I have struggled with post kids. Maybe 2020 will be the year where I find myself and regain confidence to become a better mummy, wife, daughter, sister and friend. Fingers crossed🀞🏻. Happy New Year everyone!

Sick kids part 2

Saitaoha comatosed throughout the day, beaten by the evil bug that brings about wracking cough spasms, running high fever and full body aches.

Saitaomei was carrier No.1 or was it me? I had barely recovered from my bronchitis bout and was hit by this killer bug. It’s been a month of illness after illness, I am so sick (literally) of it!

There is so much work to be done at the office and it’s just piling up. But the kids need me now, poor Saitaoha was so miserable today and begged me to stay by her side and sit or lie next to her. She rejected food all day, threw up her milk and cried. But it was mostly her sad lethargic self crawled up on the couch that made me feel so so sad.

There were funny moments during the day though.

***

(I’m drying Saitaoha after we both had our baths)

πŸ§’πŸ»: mummy is that a mouse? (Pointing at my mole on my arm)

πŸ‘©πŸ»: A mole Saitaoha not a mouse.

πŸ§’πŸ»: mummy you have a mole here, there’s another mole on your face, and another mole here , and one more here …

πŸ‘©πŸ»: πŸ˜’πŸ˜’πŸ˜’

***

πŸ§’πŸ»: Mummy! Santa was at Bunnings!!

πŸ‘©πŸ»: oh how nice! Did Santa give you any presents? Did he say merry Christmas?

πŸ§’πŸ»: ……..

πŸ§’πŸ»: 😒 (lips quivering and eyes welling at the thought of no presents and unfriendly Santa) but mummy, it’s NOT CHRISTMAS YET!!!

πŸ‘©πŸ»: (Wah still can defend Santa)

***

Saitaomei during the weekend at the height of her killer bug. Falling asleep on the floor.

Thankfully she’s better now and was out enjoying the sunshine and picking ah pa’s first harvest of grapes.

Looks are deceiving, the grapes aren’t that big.

But grape picking makes for good pictures don’t they?

Ok over and out. So tired I hope we all make a full recovery soon.

Sick kids

My little girl’s 3 year old kindy class photo. She’s so big now, how bittersweet. She’s been breaking my heart a bit because she caught her sister’s virus and is starting to get feverish and cough.

I was going to attend her 4 year old kindy orientation session with her tomorrow. She was all excited about mummy being at her school and staying with her (sigh I am really quite sad about this, perils of a working mum) so when I told her she might not be able to go since she’s sick, she started pleading with me to go to school.

Every hour or so she would come to me and say ‘mummy can I drink a lot of water then I feel better then I can go to school?’

‘Mummy I drink a lot of water and I don’t cough now so I can go to school tomorrow’.

‘Mummy is it I rest now and I can go to school tomorrow?’

‘Mummy can you give me medicine then I can feel better and I can go to school tomorrow?’

‘Mummy I am better now, I can go to school tomorrow.’

‘Mummy can I put on socks then my feet won’t be cold and then I won’t cough and I can go to school tomorrow?’

I am so sorry Saitaoha. I don’t think you will be well enough to go to school tomorrow. But I promise that I will attend your graduation ceremony next week and spend the morning with you at your favourite school.

Meanwhile mei mei is a shell of a former self, she’s not even wailing and angry crying anymore, it’s little pitiful cries every now and then and lots of listless lying on mummy inertia.

My poor babies 😭

One year on

I just ordered Saitaomei’s birthday cake for her upcoming birthday party! I am not telling my friends that it’s to celebrate her second birthday but am calling it a gathering instead. I’m hoping they don’t find out, R and I don’t want our friends to buy any presents for the kids, we just want to celebrate Saitaomei with our closed ones.

I’m having fun planning the decorations and food for the party. R asked me how come I’m throwing a party for Saitaomei when I didn’t throw one for Saitaoha’s second or third birthday. I told him it is because I remember how tough it was to plan and prepare for Saitaomei’s first birthday last year. My health was so poorly and I was in so much pain before and after her first birthday. At that time I had taken extended sick leave because I was in so much pain that I couldn’t function at work, I remember having to prep a dish a day, then going back to lie down after every cook. During the day of the party, I took a plethora of drugs to numb the pain and that was how I survived the day. Even then, my mother and siblings had to help out so much, poor ah ma was in so much pain after the party and was thoroughly exhausted. We also broke the oven that day πŸ˜….

It makes me all the more grateful that one year on, I am fully recovered, no longer in pain and well and able to plan for Saitaomei’s party.

So yes, it’s not just a party to celebrate my dear baby’s second birthday but also to celebrate my recovery and thank my loved ones for their care and support throughout the darkest period of my life. That is something worth celebrating right ?

Wedding woes

Attending a family wedding with two toddlers in tow sure ain’t easy. Just go to the wedding, enjoy an eight course banquet then go home right? But that isn’t the case when you’re part of the bridal party and have to help out with the planning and logistics of a wedding.

There’s the to and fro of many airport pickups and drop offs, the entertaining, wining and dining of overseas guests and relatives. And it becomes even more complex and complicated once your family home also opens up to become accomodation for said relatives. It’s a joyous occasion and a great reason for a family reunion, but when you throw two kids in the mix, ones that are not used to the hot tropical weather and the under 2 who has stranger anxiety, it does become a tad stressful.

Once again it goes to show how it takes a village to raise a family and how my parents are super grandparents. They’ve taken over the parenting of the kids to spare them the stress of overwhelming relatives and wedding chaos. R and I are able to focus on helping out my very stressed mother in law and sister in law (the bride). But at what expense?

I felt so bad when I saw ah ma looking so tired today. I’ve always been extra lucky to have parents that I can always count on, but I just wish I could be more self sufficient and less reliant on my long suffering parents. πŸ˜”.

Vent out of shape

Just when you get complacent in life and think we’ve had a pretty good healthy spate, bang, the kids are sick and so are you. I’m just waiting for R to join us, it will be inevitable.

The annoying thing is when I’m sick I still tend to the kids and look after them as per normal when all I really want to do is lie down in a dark room somewhere and sleep. When the father is sick, he lies down in a dark room somewhere and goes to sleep. I know I could do the same and let the kids and father θ‡ͺθΊ«θ‡ͺ灭, but I just cannot lah. Its just not in my DNA. It’s similar in my workplace where a gluten intolerant colleague has been condescending and downright rude to me, but what do I do, I bake bloody gluten free treats so she isn’t left out during our team morning teas. Why am I such an idiot ah?

I guess I still believe in treating others the way I want to treated and hope (maybe in vain!) that someday this will be reciprocated.

The good thing about venting on WordPress is no one reads my blog so I can vent without being self conscious. I signed up to Dayre 2.0 so my mom could access it for her daily gossip but gosh, that app is a total joke and surely must be the laughing stock of the app world? I really doubt it can survive…

It’s been such a tough week, can the holiday come already ?! Totally random but I truly believe no one in the world loves you as much as your parents. I saw my parents visibly wince when they saw my sickly face this morning. It’s one thing to be filial and another thing to be want to be good to your parents out of love and not obligation. What’s your gauge of true love? To me, it’s when my parents are old and elderly and have lost their bodily functions, I will have no qualms cleaning up their adult nappies and trimming my father’s nostril hair.

Ok I think I’m babbling nonsense now, I blame the fever ok?

Woo hoo

I’m on the bus on the way back to work after my neurosurgeon appointment. The doctor told me that my MRI scans should that my disc protrusions have ‘spontaneously regressed’ and I’m pretty much completely recovered!!

Woo hoo, no need for back surgery and no need for future appointments. I’m so relieved and thankful that this dark and bleak period of my life is over!!


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