Archive for the 'Daitaoha is Emo' Category

Sleepless in Perth

Deer caught in the headlights. It was midnight or possibly 1am at this point, I was so tired. But Saitaomei was still very 精神. She was unsettled for the rest of the night and still woke up at 5.30!

As the clock ticked along and the baby refused to sleep, I started getting anxious because it was nearing dawn and I had to get ready for work in a couple of hours. I thought to myself ‘I can’t do this’. Don’t worry, these thoughts of desperation only hit during the wee hours of the morning when I’ve had continuous sleepless nights. They usually dissipate by the morning when the baby smiles at me.

Like this ❤️❤️❤️.

Sometimes when my parents take Saitaomei for the night, I’m so so scared to msg my mum in the morning to ask how Saitaomei or Saitaoha was for the night. When the words ‘slept very badly’ or ‘didn’t sleep at all’ appear on my screen, my heart just sinks. Sometimes I think I should just stop asking because the guilt is crushing. But I still do, always hoping it was a good night and my parents got some sleep.

Ok I’m going to crash now at 7.30pm. One hour and I’ll get up to pump. I love my girls but some days I wish I could take a day’s leave from parenthood.

Advertisements

Last day in Kuching

Favourite picture of Saitaoha today. This little girl has had a great holiday, it’s time for her to go back to her normal routine and eating habits though. I think she will be glad to go home, she’s always been a homebody and loves pottering about the house.

Saitaomei will miss her free and easy car rides. She’s grown so much during this trip, her father will hardly recognise her. She’s been such a joy for me this trip. I guess because I’m better at dealing with babyhood than the trials and tribulations of toddlerhood.

Hehe I love how little she looks and also the worried expression on her face, she looks like she’s thinking ‘are these guys going to feed me or not?’ She is liking her solids this munchkin.

It was heart wrenching saying goodbye to my grandmother. She’s so much better but that means she seems to register that we’re leaving her yet again.

I’m glad to be going home. Kuching has been comforting as usual, but I need to get back to the daily humdrum of life again. Goodbye my dear family home, I will miss you.

Home

My big girl and my little girl at Changi airport, my favourite airport in the world.

Back into the safe arms of Gung Gung and Mah Mah. Saitaoha was so happy to see her Gung Gung, ‘Gung Gung! Gung Gung!’ she kept calling to him from the back seat of the car.

She happily showed me her ice cream that Gung Gung gave her half an hour later 😅.

For the past few nights, ah ma and I have been sharing a room with the girls. Which means not much sleep because they kept waking each other up. It pained me to hear my mother’s soothing mutterings to Saitaomei, even though she was in deep sleep just a second ago, at the sound of the baby’s cries, her hand would move on auto pilot to pat the child and hunt for her dummy.

This guilt of mine towards my parents will never go away. But there are many moments like today, when I see my father’s face light up at the sight of his manja grandchild, and his equally besotted grandchild showering her Gung Gung with hugs. At that moment, my guilt dissipates, and I’m just so happy that my children and parents love each other and bring each other so much joy.

Headache

I was so tempted to call in sick today. Saitaomei is teething again and only slept close to midnight. I thought she would sleep in since she started her night late but she woke up at 5.30am! I have a migraine that seems to be building up, hopefully a coffee will do the trick. Sigh.

***

Today ah pa told me that he teared when he dropped Saitaoha off at daycare. ‘She was so happy when she woke up, greeted all of us good morning, had her breakfast and was all dressed up and energetic for the day ahead. She said goodbye to ah ma, got into the car then realised we were bringing her to school. She suddenly scrambled off the car and ran indoors yelling for your ah ma and asking for 抱抱. Ah ma tried to comfort her with a chocolate frog but she still didn’t want to go. In the end I had to carry her to the car. I talked to her all the way in the car, I was afraid she would be upset but she was ok. But when we reached the daycare, she gave me back the chocolate frog that ah ma gave her, and she said to me, Gung Gung, go home. I couldn’t help it, I cried.’

😭😭😭

***

Guilty grandparents bought toys and books for this spoilt little girl who totally has her Gung Gung wrapped around her little finger.

This little girl got a new plate!

My girls are so so lucky.

***

Out of all the siblings, I think I am the most prepared for my grandmother’s eventual passing. I went back home not that long ago and managed to spend time with mah mah and say my farewells.

But my heart still feels so heavy. I know it’s inevitable and an end to mah mah’s suffering. Yet my heart still feels like it’s breaking. I ache for my father, that he is losing his mother who loved him very very much. I fear the day that my children, who share such a close and loving bond with grandparents, will lose their Gung Gung Mah Mah, like how I’m losing mine. I almost can’t bear the thought. It’s too painful to think about it and I am not sure I could ever survive it.

Sigh why do people have to grow old ?

Grey

I’ve been feeling rather bleah for the past couple of days. I think it’s a combination of being unproductive at work, lack of sleep and fatigue, and feeling sad about my grandmother whose condition is deteriorating.

We had originally booked flights to go home in a few weeks. I was planning to take leave when my parents returned home anyway because I didn’t want to put Saitaomei in daycare. 8 months still feels too young for me and I don’t want to repeat Saitaoha’s situation where she went on a milk strike when we sent to her daycare at 7 months. Ah ma said why not go back with us since you’re on leave anyway? So I booked my tickets!

Then we received news about my mah mah, so ah pa is returning home this weekend while ah ma stays back till we fly out together. I am reminded of the sacrifice my parents are having to make by helping me take care of the kids. My father is away from his ailing mother, they are leaving their family home to the peril of strangers, leaving their familiar comfortable lifestyle and friends behind. Not to mention the financial burden of flying back and forth.

Yesterday a colleague asked me whether it was difficult leaving the kids behind to go to work. I told her honestly that it was ok because I know they’re receiving the best care and love with their grandparents. I said I wouldn’t even have considered having a second child if it wasn’t for my parents’ help.

During grey days like these, I’m thankful that I get to work from home and spend the day with Saitaoha. Her smiles never fail to cheer me up. I’m lucky that despite being annoyed with the situation at work, work still allows me to have a good work/life balance. It’s difficult to hold myself back and not take charge, but it really is the best time for me to cruise, observe and let nature takes its course. There is no way I could be this relaxed at work and after work if I was in my previous role.

Maintaining two households has brought a bit of financial pressure, but I’m still able to go on holidays, buy treats for my kids and have simple pleasures without feeling the strain.

I should be thankful and I am. I just hope we make it in time to farewell mah mah.

Weary

12.51am another four hours before I’m due to wake up for the start of the work week. Longing to sleep but Saitaomei won’t cooperate. I hate teething, will this never end?!

As much as I love my babies, there are many many times when I just feel very tired and weary of parenting.

This weekend was just filled with clingy, cranky and wailing babies. Going out was such a battle I felt like heading home the moment we stepped out.

Miss Grumpy who wasn’t impressed with the supermarket trolley.

I wish I was more patient, kind and loving towards my children. It’s just been a really difficult weekend. I’ve been crashing by 8 every night, but waking up a couple of hours later because sigh teething …

Maybe I should just stop pretending to sleep and just give up altogether.

Broken coffee machine

Most days I think I can do this. It’s not so bad to be a SAHM with two kids, I get to spend ample time with my kids, I am there to feed, clothe, nurture and mother them. I get to witness all the smiles, the giggles, Saitaoha’s expanding vocabulary and Saitaomei’s meerkat grins. In fact, I’m part of the smiles and giggles, that’s the best part, to know you’re capable of lighting up your child’s face, that despite your major flaws, your impatience and your temper, they forgive and forget. They love you.

I know that I can’t do this for long though. At night when they fall asleep, sometimes close to midnight, despite feeling totally exhausted and deprived of sleep, I still sneak out to the living room for that half an hour of reading, or surfing dayre, something that is not mummy related. I just need to not be mummy for a little while. And that’s why I know I need to return to work.

Last night was a bad night, Saitaomei couldn’t fall back to sleep from 3am and lasted till 6am! Why do they torture you when you’re at your most weak and vulnerable stage? I raised my voice at her ‘go to sleep Saitaomei! You will wake jeje up!’ Reasoning with a six month old as if she would understand , I was obviously very very tired.

The morning after always wear me out because I’m so grumpy and lethargic. I feel bad because it’s not my kids’ fault that lack of sleep brings out the worst in me. I dislike this side of me so much.

The electrician calls to tell me that he can’t fix our coffee machine. It take a huge effort for me to bite my tongue and not snap ‘thanks for telling me that after holding the machine hostage for two months!’ Little things like that irk me so much more with lack of sleep.

I hope the rest of the week flies by.


September 2018
M T W T F S S
« Aug    
 12
3456789
10111213141516
17181920212223
24252627282930

Archives

Pages

Advertisements