Archive for the 'Daitaoha is Emo' Category

雨过天晴

The physiotherapist warned me that I would feel extra sore after my session yesterday. She wasn’t kidding. I woke Saitaomei up at 3am (my witching hour again) with my coughs, she started wailing and I was in agony trying to carry her and soothe her to sleep. She cried, I cried.

Then 3 hours later I got ready for work very very slowly. Couldn’t even bring myself to talk to R because I knew it would be self pity drivel. I was so desperate I even tried the blow dryer on my leg for some heat. Lack of sleep +pain +mummy brain = brains fried.

I was feeling miserable and looking it. My child looked at me and said ‘I’m sorry mummy’. My heart broke into a million pieces and I said ‘I’m sorry Saitaoha’. I’m sorry I haven’t been a good, happy, active and able bodied mummy to you and Saitaomei.

At work my colleagues said I looked pale and in pain. I tried to sit down but it hurt too much. I printed off work and tried standing at the common area. But even that got too painful after a while so I started walking around the floor to loosen my muscles. Close to noon I knew it was impossible and that I wasn’t doing my company or myself any justice by pretending to be working when what I really wanted to do was lie down and shoot morphine down my veins.

So I left work and hung around the city to grab a lift from my sister to go to the doctor’s. Before that I went to my other sister’s office to pass her some chocolates for my niece. I just felt like I would feel better if I saw my sisters to be honest. She asked me whether I was ok and to my horror I started tearing! She felt so sorry for me that she started tearing too and gave me a much needed hug. Then she told me a funny story and I felt so much better.

I bought dinner for my parents, ah ma’s favourite Japanese because I wanted to somehow lessen her workload. I know they’ve had to help out even more than ever with my situation. My sister and I caught the train together and it was nice picking up my nephew at his school and listening to my sister chatter to her mummy friends. I felt quite apologetic because I wasn’t very friendly to her friends but honestly, I was still in pain and making conversation has been difficult lately.

The doctor gives me a week’s medical cert and asks me to come back after a week to see whether I need more leave. I think I might need another doctor, my normal GP is great for common colds and flus, but I don’t think he is as good at prescribing longer term treatment and care for conditions like mine. I told him I’ve only been taking off the shelf painkillers but they’re not working. He prescribes me stronger painkillers even though I worry out loud it might make me drowsy and I want to be alert for the kids. He said ‘why would you want to live in pain?’ Point taken.

I tell R I’m so excited for my painkiller, the last time I got so excited was when I had gallstones and that was a killer. We go to the pharmacy and supermarket with both kids, Saitaoha asked me to carry her but I said I’m sorry baby, I can’t 😭.

Pushing the trolley is not easy, this ordeal has humbled me greatly and I miss my mobility so so much. I will never take it for granted again. To walk, sit and stand without pain is such a blessing, I haven’t been pain free for a very long time.

Ah pa tells me to stay positive, ‘既来之则安之’ he said, since it had already happened, you just have to face the music. Tia, an jua chio’ asked ah ma. How to laugh when you’re in pain?

But truly, I was able to laugh amidst tears today because of my family.

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The witching hours

Isn’t it ironic that my child now sleeps through the night yet I now have sleeping patterns of a newborn? Every night I drift in and out of sleep every couple of hours and eventually wake up to take painkillers with the hope that it will numb the pain and allow me to sleep. It never works and I usually toss and turn and watch the the sun rise every morning. It is soul crushing and energy zapping at the same time. During these mind numbing witching hours, I have morbid thoughts and wonder what I’ve done so badly to have the universe treat me this way. It’s hours of 我的天 self pity and I honestly hate myself being like that. Pain, lack of sleep and exhaustion really brings out the worst in a person and gosh have I seen the worst in myself.

Today Saitaoha insisted on going to her Gung Gung Mah Mah’s house the second her eyes snapped open. She then proceeded to have a mini meltdown when I said ‘how about stay home with mummy?’ In the end my ah pa whisked her away with Saitaomei and I had a morning of trying to get some sleep. I was sad and relieved at the same time. Even my child doesn’t want to be around me and I really don’t blame her.

Dark days like these I just miss the old me so badly. The old me that didn’t have aches and pains everywhere. The one where I was mobile and could go travelling and trek around for foodie haunts. The old me that could babywear my child for hours and rock her to sleep. I just miss feeling alive and not being in pain so much.

Light

I kinda really hate my life at the moment. Not being able to sleep at night then crashing in the morning whilst others look after the kids for me is just depressing. All the painkillers are making me feel nauseous and the crazy sleeping patterns make me feel so lethargic and useless.

This morning I couldn’t even get up to make breakfast for R and Saitaoha. By the time I got up both of them had left to go shopping 😭. I feel like my life is in some grey fog and I’m trying to claw my way out of it.

Having said that, I had my first physio session today and it was quite promising. I also did some of the recommended exercises tonight and will do them diligently everyday. It was quite funny because the daughters were very amused with my floor exercises. Saitaoha started copying me and Saitaomei just clambered all over me. We ended up laughing quite a bit.

Ah ma agrees that it’s been a particularly bad year for me. Can’t catch a break on any front!

But sometimes I think how can it be bad when I have my funny little girls? They really are the light at the end of the tunnel. No matter how dark and long the journey is ahead, I always have them to show me the way towards the light. Just wait for me my daughters, I promise I’ll get there soon.

The last Sunday

Saitaomei and I slept in on Sunday morning. It was 9.30am and I would have kept on snoozing except my firstborn figured out how to open doors and came in with a chirpy ‘good morning mummy!!!’

I quickly did a ssshhh sign and pointed to her sister who was still sleeping. ‘Good morning mummy!’ she whispered and gave me her big smile 😊. This child of mine, sometimes she makes me so angry when she doesn’t listen to my instructions and is so so stubborn, but sometimes she’s the sweetest and most affectionate child.

We tiptoed out of the room and she told me that she was hungry. I made father and daughter a big breakfast of French toast, bacon, mushrooms and sunny side up. Papa fed her off his plate with her making her little demands oh so politely ‘mushroom please papa! Pleasssseeee!’

I was cleaning up in kitchen and spied on them making thumbs up to each other after every other bite. It’s lovely to cook for your family that appreciates your hard work. I noticed that they graduated from thumbs ups, to high fives, fist bumps and funny hand gestures of a wide variety. ‘What are all these hand gestures?’ I asked R. ‘ It’s different every time and I just copy her!’ he tells me. Their own father daughter love language, they have such a bond these two.

But I’m not left out. I was sitting on our bean bag in the living room, lifted my head and locked eyes with Saitaoha who was at the dining table. She waved at me and I waved back ‘HI MUMMY!!’ she beams.

Then we hear a whimper and little cry.

‘Mei mei wake up!!’ Saitaoha declares and scrambles off her chair. The whole family rushes to the bedroom where Saitaomei is sitting up, red cheeked, bed hair and half awake.

‘Good morning mei mei!’ we all chime and drop kisses on her. Her sister also plants a kiss on her forehead and gives her a hug. Saitaomei smiles, her jeje is her favourite person in the world, Gung Gung being a close second.

Later in the day, we head out to Bunnings where Saitaoha climbs up to the highest point of the play structure at the encouragement of an older boy. He was so cute, he kept saying ‘please little girl! Come! Follow me!’ His father was like ‘Connor!! Are you being bossy?’ Connor replied ‘No daddy, just talking!’ So cute 😍.

Having not played enough, we brought Saitaoha to another playground. The weather was great, sunny but not too warm. There were at least three birthday parties held at that park and lots of kids.

We left after a while and everyone had a long afternoon nap. I left Saitaomei with my parents for a while and cooked a pot of chicken curry at home. Shared the curry with the family and we all met up at my parents’ house in the evening. The quiet home over the last couple of weeks was lively and bustling with activity again.

We went home and had dinner. Saitaoha self fed quite well at first, but took an eternity to finish. My nagging ended when she accidentally kicked the bowl I was holding in my hands and her leftover dinner upended on my lap. Sigh. I was furious but really I shouldn’t have been. My temper is so short with the recent leg pain. Who am I kidding, I’ve been a monster since the second child because I’m so exhausted and sleep deprived most of the time.

My favourite author is James Herriot, not just because his animal stories and vet anecdotes are so funny, touching and lovely , it’s because he seems like such a wonderful man. I distinctly remember his son confirmed this and said his father was a great father who never had a harsh word for his kids.

I mention this because I wonder how my daughters will remember me when I’m gone. Will they only remember my harsh words, my nagging and my raised voice? I really hope not. I need to do better.

It was a precious Sunday, one of family as all Sundays should be. It’s back to work tomorrow and my SAHM stint is over for the year. It was struck by illnesses and pain, but that was mostly fuzziness in the background. I spent every waking hour with my kids and whilst I admit there were frustrating times, I mostly loved being with them and having all that time to fully focus on just my family.

My spine

So today my doctor told me that my CT scan results show that I have a prolapsed disc in my spine. There’s no cure, he said. For the second time this year, I’m told that I have something in my body that’s broken that will never completely heal again.

I was sad but not entirely surprised to hear the news. My greatest fear is that I will be wheelchair bound and be physically limited and a burden to my kids when I grow old. What can I do but work hard, save more so that I can afford paid care in the future ?

Since the kids, I have really taken a toll physically and mentally. Some women were born to breed, I’m not one of them. Doctor told me that I have to stop aggravating my condition and to rest and stop heavy lifting. We both looked at Saitaoha and knew it was impossible. I can’t stop being a mother. And being a mother is very physical work.

I am thankful though, that I’m mentally no longer in those dark days, and am able to face news like that with a positive outlook. I’m really quite ok. And it was good being able to have an honest conversation with R about what it meant.

Today we had one of our very infrequent but enlightening talks. I asked him whether he knew what his flaws were. He said he never thought about them because ‘who has time? And even if you know them, what can you do about them?’

I told him that just taking the first step of acknowledging and recognising that you have flaws, is already a step forward in improving your character. I said my children exposed my weakest character flaws and I’ve never been more aware of them because I so want to be a better version of myself, so that they will be better too. Children are like sponges, they absorb what they see and hear. They mirror our characters, our habits, or behaviours.

I know he understood what I was trying to say and that to me was enough.

I babysat my not so baby niece LG today. I love it that my daughters adore my niece.

The littlest one so wanted to join in. She will have a forever friend in her sister, they just don’t know it yet. Lately they’ve been playing together a lot, it’s a joy to behold.

I love you my funny little girl.

and you too my bubba.

My body may be broken but my heart is full and spirit is strong because of you two.

The kids are sick

Both kids are sick 🤒. Saitaomei has the worse of the bug, she is unable to sleep at night because of her congested nose, keeps rubbing her eyes and ears and just cries and cries all night long. She’s also been running a fever on and off, I’m monitoring her temp closely and so far it’s not too high. But this is definitely her most serious bout of illness yet at 10 months +.

I’ve been taking time off work mostly because the nights are so bad I can barely function in the mornings. Sometimes when she’s wailing and thrashing about in her throes of agony, I have to remind myself this is temporary and not cry along with her. But I feel so sorry for my bubba. And her big sister who is now with her grandparents but tells me she wants to go home every night.

I think about the upcoming three weeks when my parents go home and I’ll be with the kids all day alone. What the workplace must think of me, taking long periods of leave again and again, how my career has been washed down the drain. The other day one of my teammates tried to compliment me for a piece of work that I did for them, saying that the VIPs liked the work a lot. I think he was disappointed that I was not more receptive to the praise. How do I say this? It felt so odd to be praised for such low level, and to me, mediocre work. But I should be grateful. That at least during times like this when my kids are sick, they won’t miss me when I’m not at work. I am easily replaceable and dispensable. But I can’t lie, it does grate at the ego a bit.

If only I could feel a bit better about myself on other fronts. But I don’t. Physically , I look and feel terrible, I am a bag of broken bones wrapped in a huge layer of fat. Mentally, I question my capabilities as a mother.

But I am dealing with this self doubt much better than say six months ago. There are dark periods, usually in the wee hours of the morning when I’m pulling my hair out with a planking, screaming sick baby. But in the mornings, I always feel better. Thankful for my parents who sacrifice so much to help me. Thankful for my cute girls whom I love to pieces. Thankful for a husband that I can speak to about my worries and inner thoughts. We’ve had to work at this, really talking to each other, but we are improving.

So it’s not all bad, in the light of day, there’s actually a lot of good.

我没那么伟大

Ever since I’ve started having both girls in the bedroom with me, they seem to be sleeping better. But gosh, my nights are spent 提心吊胆, I am on high alert mode and am half awake most of the time to tend to a stirring one before she wakes the other up. Better sleep for the kids, but mummy is so tired.

But what else is new right? I wish I could be one of those mothers that enjoy every part of motherhood. But 我没那么伟大. In fact, being a mother makes me question my abilities and character ever more so. Sometimes I think I’m a monster and pity my kids and husband for having such a mother and wife. Then I see my parents squabbling and I know they’re just tired from looking after my kids and I feel like an unfilial daughter.

I can’t remember a time when I felt good about myself.


November 2018
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