Archive for the 'Daitaoha is Emo' Category

Ruptured ligament

My to-do list from yesterday’s post? Didn’t even manage to tick off a single one! So babies are not winter ready and Saitaomei is bursting out of her clothes πŸ˜“. Sigh, maybe I will get round to it tomorrow.

Instead R and I spent the day on bank errands and an unscheduled medical appointment. My ultrasound and X-ray results are back. I didn’t break any bones, but I managed to completely rupture a ligament. SIGH. I knew it was a particularly bad fall but it still really sucks to get the results. The worse part is they found a cyst (probably due to the acute trauma from the fall) and now want me to go for an MRI to rule out cancer ?! I think the medical staff here might be overly cautious but R told me to just get a scan to get a diagnosis. So more scans and doctor appointments await. Can I just say SIGH πŸ˜”

The doctor told me that my ruptured ligament can’t be fixed unless by surgery. He said it wouldn’t affect my day to day mobility though and wouldn’t recommend surgery unless I’m a competitive athlete (I tried not to scoff when he said that).

I wasn’t especially upset when I heard the bad news. Maybe it was because R was next to me and he’s the very practical sort who will move on to solutions rather than make sympathetic noises that would make me feel sorry for myself and reduce me to mush (to be honest sometimes I wish he was more expressive and emotional, but this stoid nature of his comes in good stead during medical emergencies).

Now that I’ve had time to ponder, it does feel rather depressing that there’s something broken in my body that can’t heal on its own. It may take up to 6 to 12 months for my mobility to return to normal (or as normal as it can be). Now that hurts. I really hate not being able to do physical stuff like bending down to wipe floors, or give the babies a bath. I also can’t stand on my feet for long without feeling sore and have resorted to sitting down and cutting vegetables during kitchen prep. I have to think twice about where I sit, or walk, because it might not be easy to get up, steep slopes or uneven pathways are difficult. I can’t really carry the babies for long, I’m slow, I can’t run after the active Saitaoha. I can’t help my parents do housework or mop the floors. My ankle feels like it’s going to give away sometimes and I’m so unbalanced it’s not funny.

I took all the above and more for granted.

I wanted to write this down because when this is all over (surely my luck has to turn soon ?) I would like to read this post to remind me that I survived this rough patch.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. The weakness in my feet can only be overcome by the strength of my spirit. So I will εŠ ζ²Ήε•¦οΌ


Angry mummy

The calm after the storm.

Saitaoha in a contemplative mood after a terrible two tantrum of epic proportion. What was the trigger? She struggled to open her water bottle. Yep. That was it, cue a storm of tears and demanding of milk. I knew she didn’t need or want the milk, asking for milk is her go to comfort action, similar to her dummy or Xiu Xiu. I still made the milk anyway, to have her reject it with a toss of her tear streaked head.

It brought out the red eyed monster in me. The one that snaps and loses her temper and snarls at her 2 year old who really just needed a nap after a really bad night. Sometimes I feel that motherhood has morphed me into someone so alien and unpalatable. I am impatient, I get irrationally angry, I can’t control my temper at all. I don’t even recognise myself anymore. What kind of horrible mother am I?

Some days I think I can do this. Today I stared at my Saitaoha who lay quietly in her cot and stared back at me with her round, doleful eyes, eyelashes still wet from the earlier crying fit. I silently told her that I was sorry in my heart, she closed her eyes and fell asleep.

Some days I think I can do this. Today my feet hurt, my head hurts and my heart aches.

Ji pai jiat lat θΏ™ζ¬‘εƒεŠ›

Why do the heavens keep punishing me?

This unsightly pork’s trotter belongs to me. And I’m sorry to say the other side ain’t much better.

We went to a friend’s house for a gathering today. Their front porch is quite uneven and of course being the Daitaoha me, I tripped and sprained both feet. Even as the pain coursed through me and I literally could not move or get up, I thought ‘ji pai jiat lat’ . My second thought was ‘how am I going to look after my babies?’

Both feet are swollen and bruised, walking is excruciating. Suddenly I’m aware of the distance to the toilet and every necessity in the house, I have been rendered invalid. A pumping session which used to take 10 mins now takes half an hour or more just for me to travel from one place to another. All the stress and tension which gradually disappeared during the holiday has come back.

I know I 犯ε€ͺ岁 this year, but gosh when does this crap stop?!

Last night in Kuching

So my holiday in Kuching, my hometown, is finally over. We’re flying out to Singapore early in the morning then heading back to Perth in a few days.

The weeks have flown by. I have really enjoyed this retreat back home. It was exactly what I needed to reenergise my body and recharge my soul.

Both kids are asleep so my parents and I shared the last bowl of Sunny Hill pandan ice cream. I think I have successfully converted ah Ma to be a fan of this ice cream.

My parents went all out to make sure I was well rested and enjoyed my holiday. During the brief periods when Saitaoha was napping, ah pa would stay home to tend to her while ah Ma would drive us out to go shopping or food hunting. I didn’t even request to go anywhere, but she would drive to Sunny Hill even though she was unsure how to get there, because she knew I loved the pandan icecream there.

Yesterday I went to ζ‹œ my gung gung. I apologised to him for taking my parents away from mah mah but said that I knew he would understand. I told him that Mah Mah was well looked after, but in a way I wish her suffering would end because she no longer recognises us or is aware of her surroundings. I don’t know that she is happy and I can only imagine how sad my father is when he sees her in this state. During Chinese New Year, I told ah pa that Mah Mah turned her head towards me because I was holding Saitaomei and she was crying loudly. A few days later we were with Mah Mah in the garden and Saitaomei started crying. Instead of asking me whether she’s hungry or hurrying me to tend to her like ah pa usually would, he asked me to hold the crying Saitaomei nearer to Mah Mah. So I put Saitaomei on Mah Mah’s lap but Mah Mah didn’t even flicker. After a while ah pa sat back resigned and motioned me to go soothe Saitaomei ‘eh sai liao (可δ»₯δΊ†οΌ‰’ he said. My heart broke.

I said goodbye to Mah Mah this afternoon, I asked her whether she remembered how whenever I visited her during uni holidays she would hug me and say ‘Mah Mah ju lai ju eh, lu ju lai ju kwang (Mah Mah is getting shorter and you’re getting taller).’ It’s been almost a decade since my grandparents’ home was sold and they moved in with us, but I always look out for their house whenever we drive pass it. My lasting memory is of Mah Mah standing in the porch waving and shouting ‘bye bye!’ to us. We would roll down the car window and wave and shout ‘bye bye Mah Mah!!’ I wish we could return to those days.

I have savoured staying in my family home. R and I are from the same hometown, so for the past years when we’ve been home, I’ve stayed at his house.

This time there are so many things that I noticed about our house that I took for granted. Like our extra high ceilings. And lights that have been changed. And walls that seem to be of a different colour from what I remember. I asked my parents about these changes and they tell me all these little improvements were made when my sisters got married or before my brother’s wedding. I’d never noticed how much effort my parents put in to make sure our family home looked good for these occasions.

I will miss our lush and green garden with the graceful trees that are now so tall. When I was young these trees and their branches were still within arms’ reach.

I took photographs of Saitaoha on this swing. This swing means so much to us because this was where my grandparents sat every evening when they visited us. When my siblings and I were kids, this swing was our imaginary train and ship.

Ah pa’s organ which he still plays. When we were young, ah pa would play on the organ while waiting for us to get ready to go out for Sunday breakfast. We grew up with music played by my father.

I will miss our collection of books. Some so old and worn the covers are taped up. Some are new and brought back by my sisters and myself whenever we returned home from Uni.

I had a really good look at the many photos around our house this holiday. This caricature of my parents was drawn at Sanrioland during our family trip to Japan during Sakura season. Most of our family photos are taken at famous landmarks around the world. My parents brought us for family trips every year. We travelled to Europe, US, Japan, South Africa and many other countries. It was only when I was older that I realise how expensive these family trips were and how much my parents sacrificed (not to mention the work!) to ensure we could see the world.

I love these stickers on our bed frames. We bought them during our US trip to Disneyworld. When I was young, I would touch these stickers and believe that they were magic and bring us luck.

I love my family home. It’s my sanctuary. When I was struggling in Perth, I kept dreaming of my home. Some day this house will be sold, but the memories will remain. I hope my parents will eventually settle in Australia and I can help to create a home for them that will bring them as much happiness as our family home in Kuching.

Dealing with anxiety

Yesterday Ah Ma received an email from authorities that set out a few tasks to be completed within a short timeframe. It meant more paperwork, dealing with various authorities and lots of shuttling back and forth. Mind you, it was a positive email because it meant our application was moving forward. But as I read the email and thought about all the upcoming appointments to arrange and forms to fill, the familiar tension and stress which had gradually subsided during the holiday came rushing back. It was completely selfish but at that moment I thought ‘my holiday is over’. It didn’t help that the scanner broke down and we couldn’t scan some documents that were required. It brought me back to the horrendous day that I was rushing to get documents for Saitaomei’s passport and both printers at home stopped working. I broke down that day, thumped my fists on the desk and yelled out loud. I called my sister sobbing and howling ‘I am so tired’. I probably terrified the poor thing πŸ˜“.

Anyway, yesterday I convinced myself to stop stressing and complete each task step by step. Don’t procrastinate and make a mountain out of a molehill, just breathe in and out and get organised. This pep talk helped and we were able to tick off a couple of things from the to do list. We also bought a new scanner haha. Today I am going to email the authority to ask for an extension to the deadline. No point stressing and killing ourselves over impossible timelines, it’s not unreasonable to get an extension and I know we will be given one.

In the end I felt much better and was able to enjoy a shared froyo with Saitaoha after dinner. The slow pace of Kuching and the comfort of being in my family home has done wonders for the heightened anxiety that I have been experiencing since Saitaomei’s arrival. If I have to be completely honest, I was already very stressed and probably on the brink of a meltdown during my difficult pregnancy. It was tough going through hour by hour fearing the worst but trying so hard to keep negativity at bay. It didn’t help that we were facing a major upheaval at work during that time. Everything in my life felt fraught with uncertainty and negativity.

I sometimes wonder whether Saitaomei is a high needs baby or whether I’m just not coping as well because I’m struggling with my inner demons that were built pre pregnancy which makes everything feel extra hard. I suspect it’s a bit of both.

I really am thankful that despite all the difficulties to leave the country, I was able to have this holiday. Deep down I know the likelihood of being able to stay at the family home in the future is next to nil. I have enjoyed telling people that I don’t know my return date because we haven’t bought tickets yet. Being at home, I have been able to look at things in a more positive light and get some much needed clarity. I feel rested. I enjoy my kids and my parents and treasure my time with them. I love holding Saitaoha’s hand and walking down the stairs with her ‘slow slow’ I remind her, ‘slow slow’ she repeats after me.

So I am dealing with my anxiety. I think the first step was admitting that I was struggling to family and friends. I hope to go back to Australia recharged and refreshed. I have to remind myself to take things ‘slow slow’ and step by step.


I love this traditional ζ°‘ε›½ outfit that ah pa bought for Saitaoha. This Chinese New Year I’ve been having fun dressing up the kids. I am slowly getting sucked in to the joy of dressing up daughters. So many pretty and cute dresses…

This little girl is such a bad sleeper but such a sweetie pie. She’s in a sailor dress gifted by her yee yee. I think my girls are mostly dressed by their grandparents and aunties.

Saitaoha’s matching dress, also a gift from her da yee. I love this dress too.

Jiejie kissing meimei, but meimei doesn’t look impressed. Saitaoha is actually pretty good with her little sister, she comes running to me with her sister’s dummy if she hears her crying. There are times when she demand for my attention when she sees me carrying her meimei, luckily that’s not too often.

Saitaoha is really having a great time this holiday. So am I. I’m getting to spend a lot of quality time with my daughters and my parents without the stress and exhaustion. I’m starting to miss R and we’re talking a lot more online across the ocean than when we were face to face under one roof.

Tonight Saitaoha was accompanying me in the kitchen while I was warming up her milk. We both heard the sound of fireworks going off and she gasped. I carried her up in my arms and we looked out the kitchen window to see fireworks bursting in the air. For the next minute, we just stood there admiring the pretty sparks as they fell in front of us. It was bliss and I felt so happy to be able to share that magical moment with my baby.

Nashi pears

Nashi pears are my favourite fruit but are rarely seen in Perth. Ah pa knows how much I like them so he’s been buying them and cutting me a bowl everyday since we’ve been back in Kuching.

Saitaoha likes them too but the spoilt girl will only take a couple of bites out of each slice and offer them to us to finish!

Today ah ma drove us out (once with just Saitaomei, second time with both kids) to go shopping. I knew she was probably tired, but she was keen to make sure that I was able to shop to my heart’s content and buy everything I need.

Same like my ah pa and the pears, it’s gestures like these that humble me and make me feel so lucky and guilty at the same time.

It’s been a week since I’ve flown out of Perth and honestly time has flown by. I am a lot more rested and getting so much more sleep. But I feel bad because I have hijacked my parents’ holiday. Usually this is their break from helping me care for Saitaoha in Perth, but now they’re taking care of Saitaoha, Saitaomei and I.

I’m trying not to let the guilt consume me as it usually would. Instead I am trying to make sure that my parents’ sacrifice is not in vain. I rest when they tell me to. I enjoy my food when they bring me to try yummy food. I shop without scrimping when they bring me shopping. And even if I’m full to the brim, I make sure I finish every single slice of nashi pear.

March 2018
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