Archive for the 'Daitaoha is Emo' Category

Old times new times

Last night I dreamt of my old workmates. We were gathering for drinks, catching up after such a long time of not working together, the camaraderie, the jokes and banter, the warm friendship and kindness were still there. Then one of the guys disappeared and turns out he went outside to plant a flag with the emblem of our old organisation. I woke up feeling teary and with such a sense of loss.

That’s when I decided I wouldn’t go in to work today. The night before I was doing the usual devil πŸ‘Ώ vs angel πŸ˜‡ debate on whether to call in sick because well, I am pretty sick and so are the kids. Despite knowing that my coughing, sneezing and sniffling self wouldn’t be welcomed in the office, I always feel guilty about not going in to work.

The whole day I felt useless, unproductive and lethargic. I thought I should start up the laptop to do some work, but I ended up playing with Saitaoha and watching mindless drama instead. I just can’t get excited about the work I do, arrggh. I’m going to try again tomorrow but it’s going to be an uphill battle.

On the bright side, Saitaoha was an angel today. Surprisingly it was R who commented that she would probably respond better with positive affirmations during meal times. My impatience and temper has not gone unnoticed πŸ˜‘. So I tried that today and she was a delight.

It’s difficult not to feel down when you’re sick. Especially when it’s no longer about you and more about how you’re worried you will infect the kids. Sometimes I long for the days when you’re only responsible for yourself. Then there moments like tonight when my girls snuggled up to me and we watched videos together. The sisters were holding hands and their little heads were resting against my chest. Then I thought ‘this is all worth it’.

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The baby sleeps

The baby is finally asleep, hopefully for the night. Earlier she tossed and turned, giggled and whined, flopping around like a sleepy drunkard. I’ve actually missed this scene, it’s been almost two weeks since this girl has slept with me at night. A very very long two weeks made longer because there were days when I lay immobile in bed, wondering whether I would ever walk again, whether life would ever be normal again.

Thankfully, I’m slowly making my way back there. Today is another milestone because I can put Saitaomei to bed again. I can stop worrying that my parents are not getting enough sleep and rest.

In the weeks where it felt like life had come to a halt, Saitaomei started walking with confidence. She is now traipsing all over the place and it’s so cute to watch.

My fairy princess who is mighty pleased with the wings she scored from yee yee. She is very excited because it’s her favourite Tristan Koko’s birthday tomorrow. She keeps practising on us and saying happy birthday 🎁. Just like that, my dearest nephew is 6 years old. Time really flies. The little baby that I carried in my arms is now a grown up little boy, my baby is now walking. Life is so sweet but so short.

I feel like I’ve been given a lifeline to appreciate everyone and everything around me. Despite much apprehension, I braved it to the shopping centre today with both kids in tow. It turned out to be a very pleasant excursion and even R commented that I lasted very long and walked a lot. I enjoyed being with my family so much, dinner at Pepper lunch was also a joy.

This one had a taste of icecream πŸ˜….

I think she’s a fan.

Thankful for a lovely Sunday. It’s so nice to have my baby sleeping next to me again. As I kissed her tummy and she burst into giggles, I felt so happy to be alive and so thankful for my kids and my family.

Thankful

Things that I’m thankful for :

This morning I was able to wake up at the same time as my husband and daughter.

I could answer my daughter when she called ‘where is mummy?’ and chat to her while she waited for her papa to prepare her morning milk.

We ate our breakfast of brioche buns with ham and cheese (lovingly given by mah mah the day before) together in the living room.

I told R ‘I’ve never appreciated being able to sit in the living room and have breakfast with my family more’. For the past week, I’ve been bed ridden and my world was confined to my bedroom and the corridor to the toilet.

I could choose a pretty dress for Saitaoha and steam iron it. She was very pleased with my choice and said the dress was ‘beautiful’.

I felt well enough to walk to my parents’ house. My ah ma was so happy to see me at her house and I know ah pa was so relieved and glad to see me too. They’ve been so worried 😒.

I was so happy to see Saitaomei who was being a couch potato.

Saitaoha and I played with balloons whilst waiting for her yee yee to bring her out to kai kai. Thankful for her yee yee who has been bringing her out a lot.

Spending time with Ms Tamchiak who is loving being one and allowed a bit of adult food. She was very keen to eat her yeezhang’s durian cheesecake.

Her favourite time is bath time, very similar to her jeje who loves bath time too. I look forward to bathing her again.

May tomorrow be a better day and may I grow in strength everyday.

4am musings

Will I never walk again? Will I be wheelchair bound ?

What if the injection never settles? How long till you determine that it hasn’t worked ?

All the doctors, nurses are so blasΓ© and nonchalant about the situation. It’s as if they’ve seen so many cases of the same thing, that they don’t really care anymore. But what if my case is different? I don’t whinge about pain until it really really hurts. If I’m bed ridden, it means it really really hurts. Surely that’s not normal ?

Will things ever be normal again? Will I be able to look after my children and be with them again ?

I miss Saitaoha and Saitaomei so much. I miss my parents too. I miss myself.

Magic window

Yelled at Saitaoha today.

Almost yelled at R too. Why is my family so reliant on me?!

😭😭😭. I just wish my parents were back already.

***

Everyday I’m like Cinderella and have this small window when the fairy godmother waves her wand and I magically feel better and can function like a human being. During those magical hours, I cook a simple dinner, feed the kids (who also magically change from their refusing to eat selves to become foodie angels), bathe Saitaoha and play with the kids.

For a few hours I feel sane, normal and like a mother and wife again. I’m able to joke with R, eat my only meal for the day and prep for the night ahead. Saitaoha loves this magical time the best, for a short time, she gets her mummy back. I hope kids have short term memory and if I get past this ordeal, that she is able to forget her barking mad, snapping and teary mummy who is either groaning in pain or gasping in tears.

***

I love showering with Saitaoha, it’s our girly ritual.

When I wipe her down with her bear hoodie towel, she always giggles and says ‘hi mummy bear!’

‘Hi Saitaoha bear!’ I replied.

‘I’m not Saitaoha bear, I’m baby bear!’ she said today.

‘Oh ok, hi baby bear’ I said

‘Wah Wah Wah’ Saitaoha fake cries like a baby.

‘What happens when mummy bear cries ?’ I asked her suddenly, thinking of the tears this morning.

She stops play acting and looks at me seriously. She reaches out her little hands and caresses my face ‘Don’t worry mummy bear, it’s ok…’

Then she gave me a kiss and a hug.

Thank you Saitaoha, mummy bear really needed that today πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•.

Different kind of pain

A lot of family and friends have been asking whether I’m still in pain. The answer is yes, but it’s a different kind of pain, not as constant and I’m able to sleep (sometimes). So, an improvement of some sort?

The pain though is sometimes more uncomfortable and annoying than painful. Imagine a bad leg cramp that never stops. Or a very bad case of pins and needles that makes walking impossible.

When it’s actually painful, it feels like when one has fallen down and grazed your leg badly, thus rubbing off the skin and exposing flesh. Imagine that happens for your entire right calf. Then pouring water over that exposed gaping wound. That’s how it feels when I exert pressure on my leg. It’s excruciating.

The pain itself is not so scary. It’s my thoughts and fears that scare me the most. The fear that this is my norm, the constant taking of painkillers, the limited movement. Even worse, not being able to ever carry my kids, swim, run or walk with them. No nightly supermarket outings. No playground fun. Not being able to join my family during any outings. Not meeting my sisters for lunch or retail therapy. Not partaking in any physical activity. No work or limited work for a long long time. Not being able to cook in the kitchen, or bake. Not being able to look after my children, bathe them, protect them. Not being able to help my parents or look after them. The list goes on and on and on.

It scares the hell out of me.

Day 2

I am nothing without my family.

I underestimated the healing process that would come with the cortisone injection. I was hoping I would be one of those lucky ones that has immediate relief after the injection. Alas it was not to be. In fact, I think I’m one of the unlucky ones that has to go through intense pain before relief starts kicking in. Just my luck. I just hope the relief does kick in, or else all this pain will be for nothing.

I’ve been in and out of hospitals so much this past few years. I would say this hospital procedure was one of the worst, not because of the doctors or nurses or the procedure itself, they were great and seamless. It was because I was sooo exhausted from the lack of sleep. The night before I had zilch sleep because of the pain. I took naughty Saitaomei who refused to sleep from my parents at 3am, and stayed in the living room with her till I had to go to the hospital around 5.30am. My poor ah pa, I kept asking him to go to sleep, reassuring him that I was ok with Saitaomei. But he kept coming out with blankets, and jackets, worried that we would be cold.

I sometimes wonder what I would do if my parents were not here. I’m not sure I would survive or want to survive.

So when we went to the hospital, I was in intense pain because I had to stop talking painkillers before the procedure. It was agony to sit in the moving car, like a cramp that wouldn’t stop. When we reached the admission room, I was the only black haired patient, everyone was elderly 😞. Am I the youngest patient with this condition?

I kept willing the procedure to hurry go ahead because I was looking forward to be knocked out! Yes, that’s how crazy the constant pain and fatigue has made me.

I was so dismayed when I woke up to find that my leg was still painful. Wasn’t it supposed to be fixed straightaway? My blood pressure was unusually high, I could have told the puzzled nurse that it’s from the months of no sleep and constant pain. The pain when I got off the hospital bed and went to the toilet was so intense I teared and cried all the way to the toilet. Luckily the nurses were all so kind and R was there too. They quickly asked for my painkillers and I started feeling better.

My parents flew out the night before . I know they are so worried for me, I feel so sorry that I have caused them so much worry.

I woke up on the second day in agony, my leg felt like it was on fire, R was so shocked to see my pain and quickly passed me my meds. Luckily my sister took carers leave to look after me and the kids.

I still remember a couple of years ago when I had gallstones and was in pain and throwing up every hour. R had gone off to work and I didn’t know how I was going to look after Saitaoha who was only four months old. I called my sister sobbing for help. Immediately she left work, and both my sisters turned up at my doorstep, hustled me to bed and looked after my baby.

Well my saviour did it again. She played with the kids, Saitaoha especially was so happy that yee yee was there. She bathed them, fed them.

We had a picnic of Ubereats Nandos which was such a novelty for Saitaoha. They were so happy.

She stayed all the way till she had to go pick HC from work. And even then she took Saitaoha with her, lessening my workload, but Saitaomei is easy nowadays anyway.

She came back with yummy Lin’s cuisine for dinner, it was a fun dinner and I felt so much better than the start of the day.

I believe it was because I could truly rest knowing my sister would take care of the kids. I trust her completely like how I trust my parents completely. If I’m honest, I’m not sure I trust my own husband that much, isn’t that sad?

I slept. I really did! I slept so deeply that I was shocked when I woke up to see it was nearing lunchtime. I have really forgotten what it feels like to fall asleep and wake up.

What will tomorrow bring? Will my condition improve over time? I can only pray and hope so. But this post is just a reminder to never take my family for granted, to remind myself that I’m so lucky to have family that I can always count on in my time of need.

I may be going through my darkest times, but my family will always lead me towards the light.


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