Archive for the 'Daitaoha is Emo' Category

Headache

I was so tempted to call in sick today. Saitaomei is teething again and only slept close to midnight. I thought she would sleep in since she started her night late but she woke up at 5.30am! I have a migraine that seems to be building up, hopefully a coffee will do the trick. Sigh.

***

Today ah pa told me that he teared when he dropped Saitaoha off at daycare. ‘She was so happy when she woke up, greeted all of us good morning, had her breakfast and was all dressed up and energetic for the day ahead. She said goodbye to ah ma, got into the car then realised we were bringing her to school. She suddenly scrambled off the car and ran indoors yelling for your ah ma and asking for 抱抱. Ah ma tried to comfort her with a chocolate frog but she still didn’t want to go. In the end I had to carry her to the car. I talked to her all the way in the car, I was afraid she would be upset but she was ok. But when we reached the daycare, she gave me back the chocolate frog that ah ma gave her, and she said to me, Gung Gung, go home. I couldn’t help it, I cried.’

😭😭😭

***

Guilty grandparents bought toys and books for this spoilt little girl who totally has her Gung Gung wrapped around her little finger.

This little girl got a new plate!

My girls are so so lucky.

***

Out of all the siblings, I think I am the most prepared for my grandmother’s eventual passing. I went back home not that long ago and managed to spend time with mah mah and say my farewells.

But my heart still feels so heavy. I know it’s inevitable and an end to mah mah’s suffering. Yet my heart still feels like it’s breaking. I ache for my father, that he is losing his mother who loved him very very much. I fear the day that my children, who share such a close and loving bond with grandparents, will lose their Gung Gung Mah Mah, like how I’m losing mine. I almost can’t bear the thought. It’s too painful to think about it and I am not sure I could ever survive it.

Sigh why do people have to grow old ?

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Grey

I’ve been feeling rather bleah for the past couple of days. I think it’s a combination of being unproductive at work, lack of sleep and fatigue, and feeling sad about my grandmother whose condition is deteriorating.

We had originally booked flights to go home in a few weeks. I was planning to take leave when my parents returned home anyway because I didn’t want to put Saitaomei in daycare. 8 months still feels too young for me and I don’t want to repeat Saitaoha’s situation where she went on a milk strike when we sent to her daycare at 7 months. Ah ma said why not go back with us since you’re on leave anyway? So I booked my tickets!

Then we received news about my mah mah, so ah pa is returning home this weekend while ah ma stays back till we fly out together. I am reminded of the sacrifice my parents are having to make by helping me take care of the kids. My father is away from his ailing mother, they are leaving their family home to the peril of strangers, leaving their familiar comfortable lifestyle and friends behind. Not to mention the financial burden of flying back and forth.

Yesterday a colleague asked me whether it was difficult leaving the kids behind to go to work. I told her honestly that it was ok because I know they’re receiving the best care and love with their grandparents. I said I wouldn’t even have considered having a second child if it wasn’t for my parents’ help.

During grey days like these, I’m thankful that I get to work from home and spend the day with Saitaoha. Her smiles never fail to cheer me up. I’m lucky that despite being annoyed with the situation at work, work still allows me to have a good work/life balance. It’s difficult to hold myself back and not take charge, but it really is the best time for me to cruise, observe and let nature takes its course. There is no way I could be this relaxed at work and after work if I was in my previous role.

Maintaining two households has brought a bit of financial pressure, but I’m still able to go on holidays, buy treats for my kids and have simple pleasures without feeling the strain.

I should be thankful and I am. I just hope we make it in time to farewell mah mah.

Weary

12.51am another four hours before I’m due to wake up for the start of the work week. Longing to sleep but Saitaomei won’t cooperate. I hate teething, will this never end?!

As much as I love my babies, there are many many times when I just feel very tired and weary of parenting.

This weekend was just filled with clingy, cranky and wailing babies. Going out was such a battle I felt like heading home the moment we stepped out.

Miss Grumpy who wasn’t impressed with the supermarket trolley.

I wish I was more patient, kind and loving towards my children. It’s just been a really difficult weekend. I’ve been crashing by 8 every night, but waking up a couple of hours later because sigh teething …

Maybe I should just stop pretending to sleep and just give up altogether.

Broken coffee machine

Most days I think I can do this. It’s not so bad to be a SAHM with two kids, I get to spend ample time with my kids, I am there to feed, clothe, nurture and mother them. I get to witness all the smiles, the giggles, Saitaoha’s expanding vocabulary and Saitaomei’s meerkat grins. In fact, I’m part of the smiles and giggles, that’s the best part, to know you’re capable of lighting up your child’s face, that despite your major flaws, your impatience and your temper, they forgive and forget. They love you.

I know that I can’t do this for long though. At night when they fall asleep, sometimes close to midnight, despite feeling totally exhausted and deprived of sleep, I still sneak out to the living room for that half an hour of reading, or surfing dayre, something that is not mummy related. I just need to not be mummy for a little while. And that’s why I know I need to return to work.

Last night was a bad night, Saitaomei couldn’t fall back to sleep from 3am and lasted till 6am! Why do they torture you when you’re at your most weak and vulnerable stage? I raised my voice at her ‘go to sleep Saitaomei! You will wake jeje up!’ Reasoning with a six month old as if she would understand , I was obviously very very tired.

The morning after always wear me out because I’m so grumpy and lethargic. I feel bad because it’s not my kids’ fault that lack of sleep brings out the worst in me. I dislike this side of me so much.

The electrician calls to tell me that he can’t fix our coffee machine. It take a huge effort for me to bite my tongue and not snap ‘thanks for telling me that after holding the machine hostage for two months!’ Little things like that irk me so much more with lack of sleep.

I hope the rest of the week flies by.

Till we meet again

My body is failing me, last night I kept waking up partly from Saitaoha’s crying (poor kid is still unwell, vomiting has stopped but diarrhoea continues) and mostly from a very bad back pain. I have no idea where the back pain morphed from but I couldn’t help groaning out loud everytime I moved.

Saitaoha had a meltdown in the morning and cried herself to sleep. So we didn’t go for lunch with my brother and the rest of the family, but they dropped by with some dumplings for us ❤️. My brother msged me afterwards to ask whether Saitaoha would like to go to the playground. I know he was trying to spend as much time as possible with his nieces and nephew.

We all went to our neighbourhood playground which is a really nice one. My brother was teaching Tristan how to throw a boomerang. I wish he lived in Perth, we all impart different skills and knowledge to our kids, my brother has a great scientific mind and used to conduct lots of science experiments as a kid. I would love him to teach my kids about science, engines and machines, my little brain can’t wrap my head around mechanics like that.

Playing with Saitaoha and Tristan.

The kids had lots of fun but the day still felt very sad.

My brother admits that he’s partial towards Saitaomei, he loves babies and just finds her adorable. When we said our goodbyes tonight, he asked to hug Saitaomei one more time, kissed her forehead and said ‘I’m really going to miss this one’. By that time I was already 😭😭😭. They will be so big when he next sees them. He made me promise to send him lots of videos and photos of Saitaomei so he could see her growing up.

Ah pa and my brother sitting on the bench my brother bought for my parents. I think he likes the idea of them sitting on the front porch together, watching the grandkids play in the garden.

Goodbye my little brother, safe travels. I hope you come back to visit us soon, and perhaps one day stay forever. I hate the thought of you being lonely in the US, but I am comforted that you have your lovely wife with you, and your God too.

***

Today ah pa commented that Saitaoha is no longer close to him and seems to prefer my BIL. ‘Do you think it’s because she sees me carrying Saitaomei all the time?’ he asked worriedly. I didn’t know what to say but I felt sad that Saitaoha had inadvertently hurt my ah pa with her actions. Sometimes I wish little kids would never grow up, they are so innocent, sweet and affectionate when they are young. It’s when they’re older that their personalities roll in, tantrums and bickering occur, their needs and wants become more complex, they no longer need your help and want to assert their independence.

I’m thankful that I have this little one to stay my baby for a little while longer. My parents worry that she might suffer from second child syndrome and be the forgotten one. It’s true that we do a lot less with Saitaomei, but I don’t think it’s from lack of love, rather a lack of time. I do love you as much munchkin.

The second last day

I creep into my parents’ bedroom to borrow a phone charger. Ah pa is having an afternoon nap, he took the early morning shift with Saitaomei and is tired out.

Ah pa must have heard me reaching for the charger. Still asleep, he mutters ‘Jiu jiu (what Saitaoha calls her dummy)’ and holds out Saitaoha’s dummy. Then he says ‘Xiu Xiu’ and holds out Saitaoha’s bunny. He realises it’s not Saitaoha and thinks it’s my mum, with his eyes still closed, he says ‘put a blanket over Saitaomei’.

😭😭😭

***

Xiao long bao with the sick family. We’re all trying to make the best of it and brought my brother to eat yummy food during his last full day in Perth. But we’ve underestimated how poorly everyone feels, brother could hardly eat two strands of noodles. Saitaoha is cranky and doesn’t want to eat too. My sister declares that she’s really feeling unwell ‘normally I can eat five chai kueh, today I could only eat TWO’. We all giggle. I’m glad we can still laugh even though we all feel sad that my brother is leaving soon.

***

Baking with my brother, I baked the pandan chiffon cake, he baked the banana bread.

BIL has really mastered the cotton Japanese cheesecake, his cake is a masterpiece of fluffiness. My niece said ‘it’s like eating foam’.

Everyone votes for their favourite cake, my niece chooses the chiffon cake ‘good choice’ I beam at her. ‘Are you sure? Have you tried the yellow cheesecake?’ my brother asks. I shoot darts at him ‘what do you mean?!’ My brother doesn’t like his own bread ‘it’s edible’ he pronounces. But it’s R’s favourite!

I remember when my brother first went overseas for studies, I tried to teach him how to cook and he fell asleep halfway 😓. Now I’m baking with him. My little brother is all grown up. He is kind and considerate, thoughtful and dependable. He’s always been our golden boy and we are all immensely proud of him.

***

This picture of Saitaomei was taken by my brother. He really loves playing with her and finds her cute and funny. He has been taking many pictures of her and offers to carry her all the time.

Today I was carrying her while she was asleep, my brother looked at her face intently and said ‘she’s so precious’. For some reason, those words made me feel like crying. I miss my brother already.

Disaster!

Saitaoha and my family are down with a mystery stomach virus. I think Saitaoha has the worst of the virus, she vomited three times last night! It was a crazy night of bed sheet stripping, quick showers, puke cleaning and washing machine in overdrive. Poor R had to go to work straight after, Saitaoha finally stopped vomiting and fell asleep in my arms around 7.30 in the morning. We were so tired that we slept till almost 11!

She seemed so much better during the day, until ah Ma tried to feed her dinner and she vomited again. I gave her a bath and we trooped home.

Where she konked out on the sofa at 5pm. I didn’t have the heart to wake her even though I knew such a late nap means a very late night. She looked so tired with her shadows under her eyes. She vomited again after a few bites of food. Sigh, can’t stomach anything.

The rest of the family ain’t well too, poor brother and BIL have a low grade fever, sister and ah Ma have tummy troubles.

I was just commenting to my mother this morning that I feel like I haven’t talked to my brother at all. Even though we have spent time together during family gatherings, most of the time I’m too busy with the kids or cooking/cleaning. I think we’ve only had maybe two 15 minute conversations where it’s just us. Sigh, at this rate he will be gone and I’ll have to wait another year or two before I get the chance to chat with him again. It’s just impossible to spend quality time with anyone in my current state.

Today Saitaoha cuddled with me on the beanbag and we watched some videos together. I thought to myself that it’s been a while since I’ve just truly spent time with her. It feels like I’m always scolding or nagging her. Just going through the motions of being a robot mum, changing nappies, pumping, feeding, bath, cooking, pumping … I don’t stop to enjoy my children anymore and I feel like I can’t because I’m struggling to get through the day.

The worst part is I see my zombie shell like aura mirrored in my parents. Saitaomei isn’t the best sleeper and physically my parents seem to be tiring more easily. The lack of rest is making them grouchy and grumpy. This makes me feel even more awful. I have been thinking that I should put Saitaoha in full time childcare and take Saitaomei off their hands? But what happens when I go back to work ? Childcare for Saitaomei too? But what if she goes on a milk strike like Saitaoha did?

I really feel like a failure sometimes. The weight of responsibility is crushing. I don’t resent my responsibilities, but it kills me that I can’t do them well. 老的少的都顾不好, 太失败了.


July 2018
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