New Year’s Eve 2023

I’ve been thinking about what to write for my final 2023 post. Many times I think about feelings, emotions and thoughts that I want to chronicle and capture, but WordPress is a bit of a hassle, Dayre is too public a platform, and I end up losing my thoughts.

It’s been a challenging year of ups and downs. This is why I’ve kept this blog for so many years, because reading my past posts helps me to reflect on my past and allows me to be honest with myself.

It was probably inevitable that we would end 2023 with a family bout of Covid. R and Saitaoha caught it for the first time, thankfully the symptoms are not extreme but I am still keeping a close watch on a feverish Saitaoha. Saitaomei has finally tested negative and has been full of beans throughout the whole illness. But it is not how I wanted our last days of holiday to end, housebound and miserable.

I’ve been thinking a lot about why I’m so grumpy and miserable about this year. Having looked back at my 2023 posts, I definitely had lots of great staycations, we even went for three holidays, Melbourne, Adelaide and Singapore. I think I stayed true to my 2023 motto of ‘work hard and play hard’.

Work was perhaps the most volatile and disappointing through happenings that were out of anyone’s control. I will jot it down to bad luck, bad timing and incompetence within the sector. Too bad my friends and I were pulled into this whole farce. It has knocked my confidence in myself which wasn’t already high, I feel like I’m suffering from imposter syndrome and constantly waiting for someone to catch me out. I really don’t know what 2024 will bring, it is all up in the air and all up to me I guess, I need to grit my teeth and give it all. I just hope that I have the courage and tenacity to hold on, most importantly, I would like to reignite my passion at work and find my beings again.

What has been bugging me is my general sense of negativity, have I always been a negative person and was unaware, or have I developed this negative mindset due to recent circumstances ? 2023 was great at some points, but was overall a pretty bad year, especially health wise for the family and myself, and also with the passing of my dear friend, the horrendous sale of our family home and the death of my past four years of work.

I think the best part of 2023 was being able to have more time with the kids, to go on holidays and to plan for holidays and special activities like staycations and birthday parties. I was also able to spend more time with Saitaoha on her schoolwork, something that I’ve neglected over the past few years.

For 2024, I really want to work on building my confidence and my positivity. I don’t want to be a negative Nelly and someone who is living life worrying about the next bad thing around the corner , I want to learn to deal with my anxiety about work, kids and especially my parents. I feel like this is something that has really sky rocketed this year, I am always living in a state of fear and anxiety about my parents and I don’t know how to rein it in.

This deep sense of self loathing is also something I need to work on in 2024. How I’m going to get out of this slump, I don’t quite know, but I really need a kick in the guts. As it is, I really don’t feel like talking to anyone, meeting friends or family at the moment, most of the time when people ask me out, I’m thinking hard for an excuse not to go. When will I want to meet people again I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ .

Sigh it really went downhill for 2023 didn’t it? Truly praying for a better 2024 and a much more positive outlook and mindset in the new year.

Singapore Christmas holiday

It started out as my parents flying back to Kuching for my cousin’s wedding and the thought popped up that maybe the kids could go with them for a holiday. Then suddenly we decided to book a Singapore leg for them and then I suddenly decided to join them for the Singapore trip. The best kind of impromptu decisions that lead to the best memories.

So happy to be on the plane with her elf and xiu xiu. She was also pleased to be seated next to me.

The little one didn’t mind not sitting next to me because she was with her Gung Gung. I still felt anxious throughout the flight and kept watching my father for signs of discomfort. I honestly wish I could just buy business class tickets for him for every flight. Sigh I’ll have to work harder at work.

Back at Hotel Jen, we landed 11 plus and it was almost midnight when we reached the hotel. The kids were still in good spirits though and we even ventured down to Donki Donki for midnight shopping! How I wish we could transport to the start of the holidays again.

The girls love the robots Jeno and Jeni, we asked for extra towels on our first night and Jeno delivered it to our room, they were delighted.

My parents recreating their photo from 4 years ago? I’m so glad they seemed to enjoy the pool a lot this time, we went almost every single day and made the most of it.

The cousins making hand stands in the pool. Pool time was their favourite activity everyday and we really had lots of fun.

Gung Gung pretending to be Merlion. It made me fear the day when he can’t carry mei on his shoulders anymore. I’m treasuring this memory so much.

My two water girls. I’m happy that they love the water as much as I do. I think swimming was also one of my favourite activities this holiday, it felt like such a luxury and pleasure to be able to swim everyday.

Buffet at Colony, Ritz Carlton was very beautiful !

My favourite part of the buffet, ondeh ondeh was very good, I wished I had space for more food.

Kids had lots of fun at the art science museum.

It was very beautiful, but my feet were killing me because I shopped/walked too much the day before haha.

I finally had my holiday drink of Starbucks matcha Frappuccino and it was very good!

Toastbox breakfast of kaya toast and soft boiled eggs we had twice through the trip. It wasn’t as good as I remember but I still enjoyed it.

My favourite meal was probably Mos burger which I had for a very late dinner. It was so good we had it twice during the trip.

I was excited to see chwee kueh but it wasn’t very good.

We had lots of Japanese food this holiday, all were so-so and nothing to shout about. I think next time I will do better research and book a Japanese buffet with good quality sashimi instead.

We went for night time swimming, and then headed down for icecream straight after, the chrysanthemum icecream I had was so refreshing and delicious.

Another Toastbox breakfast when we really wanted Yakun. It’s a pity it is always so crowded in Singapore, I feel like I spent most of my time in the queue.

Their new stuffies 😅. I think both of them had the best time because papa wasn’t there to set the rules and I pretty much let them do whatever they wanted because ‘holiday’ . It was relaxing for me too to not be so rigid and insisting on them finishing their meals etc

I finally bought my bag, or I should say R bought it for me since he sponsored my Christmas gift to myself . I hope it will become something that I cherish for a long time to come .

Last meal at the airport, we finally had Yakun and it was average. I was still happy though, to have a last cup of local kopi before our flight. I was already suffering from post holiday blues at this point. Our holiday felt too short and too brief. It was exhilarating not thinking about work, not checking my work emails, just spending time with my family , walking a lot and getting lost on my own. Every moment was liberating and I enjoyed every bit of my freedom.

Going home, R surprised me with a steak dinner that he cooked himself, something he hasn’t done for years. I appreciated his efforts and I’m glad we are ending 2023 in a good place marriage wise.

A brief but wonderful holiday, one that I know won’t be easy to come by again so I am extra appreciative. I’m glad I have this blog to capture the memories.

Last day

Finally it’s the last day of work before the Singapore holiday. It is maybe also my last presentation on my specialty topic before I move on to a completely different role in tbt new year. I’m looking forward to moving away from being branded the SME and learning more about different parts of the sector. I’ve disliked being boxed into this corner which has followed me wherever I go and every stage of my career. I think my skill set is adaptable to many subject matters and I crave to learn more and know more. After all that’s why I moved sectors right ?

What I underestimated was the guilt and sadness I would feel breaking news to the team. I feel like I’ve let them down because of my own selfish wants. I hope they look back at our past year and our time together as a stepping stone and a foundation for what I believe for them will be flourishing careers in this sector.

I’ve been thinking of returning to my original sector, because I miss the principles of working for the community. It is what keeps me going day after day, working for a greater cause. But now is not the time and I wonder how long it will take for the sector to be rebuilt. Maybe in a few years. Who knows what I will be doing then.

Fingers crossed that this last day will end smoothly.

Waiting for 2024

School holidays have begun! The girls are having a great time, Saitaoha has been going on play dates, Saitaomei hanging out at the grandparents with her cousin. She also scored a photo with Santa, something she’s been wanting for a long time! To think she’s used to be afraid of Santa and refused to take a photo with him when she was small.

Work’s Christmas party was also a hit. I’m so relieved I recovered from Covid in time to go for the party, I had already missed out on their school Christmas concert. Covid the second time around was awful too, I’m just glad there was a full recovery and now I feel fit as a fiddle. I’m just worried my parents or kids will catch it during our holiday.

I really doubt work will host such a family friendly Christmas event again. It didn’t go down well with the single and ready to mingle folk. So I’m glad while I’m still in the company we managed to have a wonderful time one Christmas 🤶. I know it will be a treasured memory for us.

It’s a pity we won’t be around for T’s birthday, we had a mini birthday celebration for him, I hope he likes his bday present. The girls will miss him this holiday.

I’m just counting down the days to our holiday now. It will be a short one, but I’m hoping what we lack in time we make up with lots of energy and fun.

It feels like it’s signalling the end of my first role in this sector for me. Next year there will be a completely new challenge work wise. I’m both excited and a bit nervous, I’m also worried for the team members that I left behind, I feel like I’ve left them in the lurch. I know they will do well regardless, but this was a very individual and selfish decision that I made for myself.

Ah well I’m sure 2024 will be a much better year than 2023. It has to be. I will look forward to it with positive thoughts and a bright outlook.

Saitaomei is 6

Saitaomei turned 6 a week ago. She’s been waiting for her birthday for a long time and I feel like she had a week so celebration.

She has school on her actual birthday and had fun giving out birthday bags to her school friends.

Ah ma made her her favourite birthday noodles and chicken soup which she requested herself. She loves Ah ma’s chicken mee sua and it’s always a treat for them whenever it’s someone’s birthday and they get to eat this dish haha.

Favourite birthday meal since one year old! Hahaha

During the weekend it was her much awaited birthday celebration with her cousins. She actually planned to go to the zoo but thankfully changed her mind and decided to go roller skating instead. The weather was 39 degrees, definitely not zoo weather, it was even too hot at the rink but at least all the cousins had a great time.

Dome’s for lunch, also her choice. I think it’s safe to say the cousins enjoyed lunch and had a great time. It’s really nice that they have each other for company.

Dinner was takeaway Korean fried chicken at Ah ma’s, this time mummy chose haha. If Saitaomei had a choice she would want to go for crayfish, this girl has expensive gourmet taste!

We had an icecream cake which was great for the hot weather but too melty because I forgot to put it in the freezer and left it in the fridge! Had to have one Daitaoha moment.

I think my baby girl had a wonderful birthday, she really was thoroughly celebrated and spoilt. She has always been the baby of the family and revelled in that spot, but this year it’s become abundantly clear that she’s no longer our baby, she’s so eloquent, bright, confident, thoughtful and open in heart and nature, sometimes she humbles us with her positive energy and spirit. She’s also very self aware and reads the room perhaps a bit too well, I will have to work hard on making sure her high eq doesn’t make her manipulative.

My dear Saitaomei, I hope you stay thoughtful, considerate, kind and positive. I hope you continue to love and look out for your Gung Gung and Mah Mah, and I hope you stay best friends with your sister forever. You will always be mummy’s little girl. Happy 6th birthday.