Hard stuff

My first meeting of the day is located at the other end of town where R works so I tumpang-ed his car to the meeting location. I arrived way too early so decided to have a coffee and organise my thoughts for the meeting.

Work has been emotionally taxing, office politics at an all time high. Lots of plotting and emotionally charged discussions. I think it wouldn’t be that bad if it wouldn’t for our passion for the project. It’s too important to walk away, yet sometimes it gets a bit too much and you just want to say I’ve had enough.

I’ve always witnessed office politics at the highest spectrum and managed to manoeuvre around it so I’m never directly involved. But this one is just hitting me right in the bullseye, and as much as I wanted to avoid the conflict, it was inevitable and I had THE talk on Friday. I’m not sure it amounted to much but a line in the sand was drawn. Enough with the treading on eggshells and circling around your feelings.

Sigh. Being hard is so hard.

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Love of cooking

Hello Gung Gung? Where are my fruits?

This little girl has grown up overnight. She’s at a delightful stage, so cute and so much fun.

Saitaoha is such a girly girl. All about dresses, princesses and pink. It worries me a little and I try to talk to her about not having to wear dresses all the time, but I reckon she will outgrow it.

We went for her kindy briefing at her school yesterday. The kindy’s education philosophy? Learning through play! I love it that the kids are encouraged to play and be kids. They have a lifetime of curriculum and cramming books ahead of them, why not let them just be children, they are only so little once. This probably explains why Saitaoha loves school so much.

#daitaoha cooks or #daitaoha bento don’t feature much nowadays. Not because I’m not cooking but I just don’t take much pictures nowadays.

I was thinking the other day that I’m so thankful that I learned to cook and love to cook. It all started because I wanted to cook my then boyfriend’s favourite dish for him and went on from there. I’ve always cooked and baked because I want to feed my loved ones their favourite things and it’s still very much the same today.

My first attempt at a Swiss roll, I’m mighty pleased! I will be making more of these in future 😀.

Musings on the bus

On the bus. There’s a Korean lady behind me chatting on her mobile. I recognise some of the Korean words from her conversation. The everyday phrases that seem to pepper our daily conversations. Really? Of course! You’re right. Well done. Are you crazy? What?

I smile to myself. I’ve been watching too many korean dramas.

I’ve been feeling pretty awful about myself lately. Whenever I look in the mirror I see this bloated whale that can’t fit into her clothes nicely. I miss wearing nice and pretty dresses. I wish I had more willpower. I will just keep trying. The upcoming holiday in two months is good motivation, I am really looking forward to it.

Work rotates between being terrifying at the mammoth task ahead and satisfaction at the daily progress. Some days I think we are on the right track and can actually achieve success, other days I am weighed down by self doubt. But it’s still important work so I am happier.

Ok end of bus ride. Good day!

Woo hoo

I’m on the bus on the way back to work after my neurosurgeon appointment. The doctor told me that my MRI scans should that my disc protrusions have ‘spontaneously regressed’ and I’m pretty much completely recovered!!

Woo hoo, no need for back surgery and no need for future appointments. I’m so relieved and thankful that this dark and bleak period of my life is over!!

Conversations with my superhero

👩🏻: (crawling around on all fours looking for Saitaomei’s dummies/jiu jius)

🧒🏻: Mummy what are you doing?

👩🏻: I’m looking for mei mei’s jiu jiu Saitaoha. Can you help mummy look for it?

🧒🏻: Don’t worry mummy, I change into superhero and help you find mei mei’s jiu jiu.

👩🏻: Thank you Saitaoha 😍

🧒🏻: (looks at me seriously) I am not Saitaoha, I am SUPERHERO Saitaoha!

👩🏻: 😂 ok ok, sorry Superhero Saitaoha.

2 minutes of hunting later …

🧒🏻: Mummy, superhero Saitaoha can’t find mei mei’s jiu jiu. But don’t worry! SUPERHERO papa will find it for you!!

👩🏻:😂😂😂

I love Superhero Saitaoha.

Daitaoha strikes again

Saitaoha had her first movie experience today! But there are no pictures because her Daitaoha mummy forgot to bring my mobile 😓. It was quite disastrous really and I had a mini panic session because R had dropped us at the cinema, no mobile = no way of contacting him to ask him to pick us up.

In the end I decided to worry about all that later and enjoy the movie with Saitaoha. Toy Story 4 was great if not a tad sad, I always find Toy Story movies sad, this growing up business and leaving your toys and memories behind is just heart wrenching to me. Saitaoha behaved really well in the cinema and concentrated on the movie throughout, only stopping halfway to ask me to bring her to the toilet! I was so pleased.

When we left the the cinema, I had to search around for a payphone. When was the last time you used a payphone? It was quite surreal putting in the coins and pressing the ONLY number I could remember being R’s one. As life would have it, R left his mobile at home and was at my mum’s helping them to drill hooks. My mum msged me to tell me to call her when I was done but of course I didn’t have a clue since I didn’t have my phone with me. When he didn’t answer after the third call, I was like 😓😓😓. Saitaoha who thought it was all very fun kept asking me where papa’s car was. I thought about calling for an Uber then realised I didn’t have my phone so no Uber. Was contemplating walking home when I realised we could take the bus!

Having your kid with you means you remain outwardly cool and calm despite your inner turmoil. Saitaoha thought it was great fun to take the bus and chatted away merrily to me throughout our wait. Luckily the bus came pretty quick and we got home relatively quickly!

What an adventure we had! Things didn’t go to plan but luckily we still managed to have a fun outing.

Are you happy or sad or angry?

Lately Saitaoha has been getting into the habit of asking us whether we are happy or sad to gauge our mood. At first it was quite funny and very effective in getting us to stop being angry (when she knows she’s in trouble) but now she’s repeating it so much that I’m started to get worried that we are horrible parents that are always getting angry at her, hence her need to keep gauging our moods.

It usually goes like this:

Saitaoha does something naughty like refusing to nap or not sharing with mei mei.

Saitaoha: Mummy, are you happy or sad or angry?

Mummy: I am sad because you didn’t share with mei mei.

Saitaoha: Mummy can you be happy please? Pleease…. mummy, can you say it’s ok??

Mummy: (looks at her pleading eyes) ok ok I’m happy.

Sometimes the tables are turned and she comes running to us

Saitaoha: Mummy mummy ! Can you ask me whether I’m happy or sad ??

Mummy: Er ok, are you happy or sad?

Saitaoha: I am sad because mei mei took my biscuit!

Today I spent the whole day working on my laptop, only stopping to feed and bathe the kids, plus read them storybooks and play a little.

Saitaoha: Mummy can you ask me whether I’m happy or sad?

Mummy: Saitaoha, are you happy or sad?

Saitaoha: I am sad because mummy is too busy to play with me.

(Cue my heart shattering into a million pieces)

Mummy: I am sorry Saitaoha, mummy needs to work but I will play with you in a little while ok?

Saitaoha: ok mummy! Mummy are you happy or sad or angry?

Mummy: Mummy is sad because mummy has to work and can’t play with you and mei mei.

Saitaoha: Don’t worry Mummy, you can play with Saitaoha and mei mei later. Don’t be sad mummy, you can be happy later ok?

****

It’s absolutely humbling to have your daughter to remind you everyday not to be sad and angry , and that you can be happy later.


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