雨过天晴

The physiotherapist warned me that I would feel extra sore after my session yesterday. She wasn’t kidding. I woke Saitaomei up at 3am (my witching hour again) with my coughs, she started wailing and I was in agony trying to carry her and soothe her to sleep. She cried, I cried.

Then 3 hours later I got ready for work very very slowly. Couldn’t even bring myself to talk to R because I knew it would be self pity drivel. I was so desperate I even tried the blow dryer on my leg for some heat. Lack of sleep +pain +mummy brain = brains fried.

I was feeling miserable and looking it. My child looked at me and said ‘I’m sorry mummy’. My heart broke into a million pieces and I said ‘I’m sorry Saitaoha’. I’m sorry I haven’t been a good, happy, active and able bodied mummy to you and Saitaomei.

At work my colleagues said I looked pale and in pain. I tried to sit down but it hurt too much. I printed off work and tried standing at the common area. But even that got too painful after a while so I started walking around the floor to loosen my muscles. Close to noon I knew it was impossible and that I wasn’t doing my company or myself any justice by pretending to be working when what I really wanted to do was lie down and shoot morphine down my veins.

So I left work and hung around the city to grab a lift from my sister to go to the doctor’s. Before that I went to my other sister’s office to pass her some chocolates for my niece. I just felt like I would feel better if I saw my sisters to be honest. She asked me whether I was ok and to my horror I started tearing! She felt so sorry for me that she started tearing too and gave me a much needed hug. Then she told me a funny story and I felt so much better.

I bought dinner for my parents, ah ma’s favourite Japanese because I wanted to somehow lessen her workload. I know they’ve had to help out even more than ever with my situation. My sister and I caught the train together and it was nice picking up my nephew at his school and listening to my sister chatter to her mummy friends. I felt quite apologetic because I wasn’t very friendly to her friends but honestly, I was still in pain and making conversation has been difficult lately.

The doctor gives me a week’s medical cert and asks me to come back after a week to see whether I need more leave. I think I might need another doctor, my normal GP is great for common colds and flus, but I don’t think he is as good at prescribing longer term treatment and care for conditions like mine. I told him I’ve only been taking off the shelf painkillers but they’re not working. He prescribes me stronger painkillers even though I worry out loud it might make me drowsy and I want to be alert for the kids. He said ‘why would you want to live in pain?’ Point taken.

I tell R I’m so excited for my painkiller, the last time I got so excited was when I had gallstones and that was a killer. We go to the pharmacy and supermarket with both kids, Saitaoha asked me to carry her but I said I’m sorry baby, I can’t 😭.

Pushing the trolley is not easy, this ordeal has humbled me greatly and I miss my mobility so so much. I will never take it for granted again. To walk, sit and stand without pain is such a blessing, I haven’t been pain free for a very long time.

Ah pa tells me to stay positive, ‘既来之则安之’ he said, since it had already happened, you just have to face the music. Tia, an jua chio’ asked ah ma. How to laugh when you’re in pain?

But truly, I was able to laugh amidst tears today because of my family.

Advertisements

The witching hours

Isn’t it ironic that my child now sleeps through the night yet I now have sleeping patterns of a newborn? Every night I drift in and out of sleep every couple of hours and eventually wake up to take painkillers with the hope that it will numb the pain and allow me to sleep. It never works and I usually toss and turn and watch the the sun rise every morning. It is soul crushing and energy zapping at the same time. During these mind numbing witching hours, I have morbid thoughts and wonder what I’ve done so badly to have the universe treat me this way. It’s hours of 我的天 self pity and I honestly hate myself being like that. Pain, lack of sleep and exhaustion really brings out the worst in a person and gosh have I seen the worst in myself.

Today Saitaoha insisted on going to her Gung Gung Mah Mah’s house the second her eyes snapped open. She then proceeded to have a mini meltdown when I said ‘how about stay home with mummy?’ In the end my ah pa whisked her away with Saitaomei and I had a morning of trying to get some sleep. I was sad and relieved at the same time. Even my child doesn’t want to be around me and I really don’t blame her.

Dark days like these I just miss the old me so badly. The old me that didn’t have aches and pains everywhere. The one where I was mobile and could go travelling and trek around for foodie haunts. The old me that could babywear my child for hours and rock her to sleep. I just miss feeling alive and not being in pain so much.

Light

I kinda really hate my life at the moment. Not being able to sleep at night then crashing in the morning whilst others look after the kids for me is just depressing. All the painkillers are making me feel nauseous and the crazy sleeping patterns make me feel so lethargic and useless.

This morning I couldn’t even get up to make breakfast for R and Saitaoha. By the time I got up both of them had left to go shopping 😭. I feel like my life is in some grey fog and I’m trying to claw my way out of it.

Having said that, I had my first physio session today and it was quite promising. I also did some of the recommended exercises tonight and will do them diligently everyday. It was quite funny because the daughters were very amused with my floor exercises. Saitaoha started copying me and Saitaomei just clambered all over me. We ended up laughing quite a bit.

Ah ma agrees that it’s been a particularly bad year for me. Can’t catch a break on any front!

But sometimes I think how can it be bad when I have my funny little girls? They really are the light at the end of the tunnel. No matter how dark and long the journey is ahead, I always have them to show me the way towards the light. Just wait for me my daughters, I promise I’ll get there soon.

Physio

I left work early today because R offered to pick me up from work and go to the doctor’s for my physio referral. I guess he could tell that I’m in a lot of pain, especially now that the cough is aggravating the pain. It frustrates me to no end, this sense of helplessness, especially when I’m dealing with the kids and literally have to grit my teeth and fight back tears from the pain. I really hope the physio works miracles because I don’t have time to spare for physiotherapy sessions!

Saitaoha looks so long here. She is so grown up now and is so chatty and cheerful. I’m really pleased that she knows her ps and qs and is generally a well mannered child. Please continue this way as you grow older ok?

Both kids are so well looked after now that Gung Gung Mah Mah are back, they are almost fully recovered and eating well. So thankful.

My auntie flo came back after a long hiatus . Stop breastfeeding and bang, it’s back. Can’t say I’ve missed it. The cough, period and slipped disc is making me so tired, I was ready to crash by 5pm despite having left work so early. Let’s hope the kids sleep well tonight and I get a good night’s sleep as well 🙏🏻.

The last Sunday

Saitaomei and I slept in on Sunday morning. It was 9.30am and I would have kept on snoozing except my firstborn figured out how to open doors and came in with a chirpy ‘good morning mummy!!!’

I quickly did a ssshhh sign and pointed to her sister who was still sleeping. ‘Good morning mummy!’ she whispered and gave me her big smile 😊. This child of mine, sometimes she makes me so angry when she doesn’t listen to my instructions and is so so stubborn, but sometimes she’s the sweetest and most affectionate child.

We tiptoed out of the room and she told me that she was hungry. I made father and daughter a big breakfast of French toast, bacon, mushrooms and sunny side up. Papa fed her off his plate with her making her little demands oh so politely ‘mushroom please papa! Pleasssseeee!’

I was cleaning up in kitchen and spied on them making thumbs up to each other after every other bite. It’s lovely to cook for your family that appreciates your hard work. I noticed that they graduated from thumbs ups, to high fives, fist bumps and funny hand gestures of a wide variety. ‘What are all these hand gestures?’ I asked R. ‘ It’s different every time and I just copy her!’ he tells me. Their own father daughter love language, they have such a bond these two.

But I’m not left out. I was sitting on our bean bag in the living room, lifted my head and locked eyes with Saitaoha who was at the dining table. She waved at me and I waved back ‘HI MUMMY!!’ she beams.

Then we hear a whimper and little cry.

‘Mei mei wake up!!’ Saitaoha declares and scrambles off her chair. The whole family rushes to the bedroom where Saitaomei is sitting up, red cheeked, bed hair and half awake.

‘Good morning mei mei!’ we all chime and drop kisses on her. Her sister also plants a kiss on her forehead and gives her a hug. Saitaomei smiles, her jeje is her favourite person in the world, Gung Gung being a close second.

Later in the day, we head out to Bunnings where Saitaoha climbs up to the highest point of the play structure at the encouragement of an older boy. He was so cute, he kept saying ‘please little girl! Come! Follow me!’ His father was like ‘Connor!! Are you being bossy?’ Connor replied ‘No daddy, just talking!’ So cute 😍.

Having not played enough, we brought Saitaoha to another playground. The weather was great, sunny but not too warm. There were at least three birthday parties held at that park and lots of kids.

We left after a while and everyone had a long afternoon nap. I left Saitaomei with my parents for a while and cooked a pot of chicken curry at home. Shared the curry with the family and we all met up at my parents’ house in the evening. The quiet home over the last couple of weeks was lively and bustling with activity again.

We went home and had dinner. Saitaoha self fed quite well at first, but took an eternity to finish. My nagging ended when she accidentally kicked the bowl I was holding in my hands and her leftover dinner upended on my lap. Sigh. I was furious but really I shouldn’t have been. My temper is so short with the recent leg pain. Who am I kidding, I’ve been a monster since the second child because I’m so exhausted and sleep deprived most of the time.

My favourite author is James Herriot, not just because his animal stories and vet anecdotes are so funny, touching and lovely , it’s because he seems like such a wonderful man. I distinctly remember his son confirmed this and said his father was a great father who never had a harsh word for his kids.

I mention this because I wonder how my daughters will remember me when I’m gone. Will they only remember my harsh words, my nagging and my raised voice? I really hope not. I need to do better.

It was a precious Sunday, one of family as all Sundays should be. It’s back to work tomorrow and my SAHM stint is over for the year. It was struck by illnesses and pain, but that was mostly fuzziness in the background. I spent every waking hour with my kids and whilst I admit there were frustrating times, I mostly loved being with them and having all that time to fully focus on just my family.

Sister love

Oooh 😮 is my jeje really letting me sit next to her ??

Hehe she isn’t kicking me out guys! In fact she insisted that I sit next to her.

I think my jeje loves me 😍😍😍

Omg driver’s seat of her ultimate favourite aiji truck, YES! I have finally wormed my way into my jeje’s heart 💓

Update

The pain in my hip and leg aches and radiates through the night even when I’m not moving! My leg feels really weak and sluggish and I feel so much dread when one of the kids wake up and need soothing or a milk/water run. Moments like these, I feel really depressed and wonder whether this is my life forever. Impaired by pain and limited in movement.

It has been a very tough year of physical and mental challenges. It would be easy to wallow in depression as I did earlier in the year. But what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Having overcome that bout of depression, I am much stronger mentally to deal with this latest setback. Of course there are moments when I’m still snappy (usually after a bad night) and take it out on the husband and kids. But I’m glad to say it’s only brief moments and not days or even hours.

Mostly I am thankful for my kids, my family. Truly wouldn’t be able to get through this rough patch if it wasn’t for them.

I really hope to put this period of ill health behind me one day and hopefully climb my way back to optimal health again. It feels quite impossible because to heal you need rest and I don’t/can’t rest. But where there’s a will there’s a way. 船到桥头自然直. I won’t give up and will continue to trudge on.


November 2018
M T W T F S S
« Oct    
 1234
567891011
12131415161718
19202122232425
2627282930  

Archives

Pages

Advertisements