Daitaoha earns a living

I’ve been working rather long hours, coming home late and picking the kids up late. It’s always a gut wrenching moment for me when I hear the excited cries of ‘Mummy! Mummy!’ from behind the door when the girls realise that I’ve arrived to pick them up.

My ah ma is undergoing some health problems and is in pain as well. My heart aches when I see her tired face and I feel so bad that she still has to take care of my kids even though she’s not feeling well. I wish I could take time off from work but it’s a crucial period at work, I can barely clock off on time let alone take leave.

Achieving work life balance feels impossible at this stage. It’s Saitaoha’s birthday tomorrow and I haven’t had time to get her a birthday present let alone plan a party for her. We will be having a simple birthday gathering with family and I will cook her chicken soup and sua mee for lunch. I tell myself that this focus at work is worthwhile, it’s what I need to build the next stage of my career. My job has had to take a back seat for the past four years and now I’m trying to get back into the career ladder again.

What is a career and is it worth this sacrifice and the sacrifice of my parents? I’m really not sure. I don’t really care for the kudos at this stage, but I must say I want to earn more money. R says he’s pretty happy where we are now, but I want more. I don’t have the need for luxury goods or fast cars, but I would like to be in a place where I feel I can comfortably provide for my parents and my kids in the future. I want to buy first class tickets for my parents to visit my brother without blinking an eye, I would like to renovate their home or build a new one so it’s more comfortable and safe. So many wants. So many needs.

The next few months will be gruelling and I think I won’t get to see much of my family. I really hope I won’t regret this and my hard work pays off.

Big week

I started this post on Friday and never got around to finishing it. The weekend flew by in a blur even though we didn’t do much and mostly pottered around at home. I was sad when Sunday rolled around and I thought it was still Saturday, that moment of realisation was 😞😔😕. It’s been a long time since I last felt physically exhausted from work. Mentally exhausted yes, the office politics and the struggle of work-family life guilt has always been mentally taxing. But physically exhausting from the long hours, lack of sleep and working during the weekend has been a first for a while. It’s not too bad, it just means there’s lots of work to power through and I need to get more efficient and productive at work when I’m actually at the desk. I probably could and should cut my news surfing habit but it’s an occupational habit I picked up in my previous line of work and have kept ever since.

Ah pa packed me a giant box of fruit today to share with my colleagues. They already think he’s a sweetheart because of my fruit boxes which I share with them when they drop by the desk. The sheer size of this fruitbox will blow them away.

It’s another big week ahead. These big weeks will be never ending for a whole. Saitaoha is also turning 4 on Friday, which means there will be some baking for her classmates, I’m still contemplating whether or not to pack them some goodie bags. I’m not keen on the over consumption of stuff but Saitaoha has a generous soul so I think she would like to celebrate with her friends? Maybe cupcakes will do. She is really excited about her indoor playground party with her cousins, not sure whether it’s considered a party if it’s just 4 kids? She didn’t seem particularly excited about inviting other kids but said her best friends are LG and Tristan. So cute. She also invited mah mah so I think mah mah is still firmly in her best friend category. Sigh my little girl is now 4, how time flies.

I miss my kids when they were small and cuddly but I just admit life is much easier now they are bigger and self sustainable. Enough talking, I’m getting dizzy on the bus. I hope this is a great week!

Silver lining

It’s been a long week, Saitaomei being sick, Saitaoha starting her first full week in kindy and us adults returning to work after the holidays.

I was glad that R and I were both available to accompany Saitaoha for her school’s 10th anniversary celebration. They had bouncy castles and water slides in the morning, how fun! I’ve been worried about Saitaoha because she hasn’t been eating, peeing or drinking water at school! Her lunch boxes and water bottles come back untouched, I think it’s the case is being unfamiliar about eating lunch at school and also shy about asking her teachers for help. Well, I mentioned it to her teacher yesterday so hopefully they will look out for her and she will slowly adapt. She also told us that there’s a boy that hits her, I haven’t noticed any marks yet, but also mentioned it to her teacher and told Saitaoha she has to tell her teacher straightaway if it happens again. I put it down to boys being boys and thinking it’s all play, but still, I need to protect my child and also teach her to protect herself.

Whilst I was admonishing Saitaoha for not eating her lunch, I said ‘you have to learn to eat your lunch yourself Saitaoha, you’re not a kid anymore!’ She wouldn’t haven’t any of my nonsense and exclaimed tearfully ‘but I want to still be a kid!’ R and I exchanged wry grins and I was put to shame immediately. I must remember that being the older kid in the family doesn’t mean Saitaoha is less of a kid and doesn’t require the same amount of nurturing and care. It’s so unfair of me to expect her to be the grown up when she’s still a mere child, I keep expecting so much from her and it’s just wrong.

My child will be turning 4 in two weeks and I plan to celebrate her thoroughly and spoil her to bits.

This now skinny little thing is finally on the mend! Her appetite is slowly returning and I’m hoping her cheerful nature too. She’s become short tempered, sensitive and clingy since the holiday, I think it’s the aftermath of the separation anxiety of the holiday plus a mixture of illness and terrible twos. I miss her smiles and laughter which we see less of these days. But I see glimpses of it so I hope the rest of the year goes better for her.

The work week was a lot better than I anticipated it to be. The team dynamics have changed so much and we truly feel like a team now which is so essential considering the challenging nature of our task ahead. I feel more optimistic after this week and whatever happens, I finally feel we will get through it together as a team.

Yesterday felt like a breather for the first time this week. Saitaomei stopped her fevers and hourly bouts of diarrhoea, she was happy when we brought her out for a supermarket run, it felt normal for a change.

I felt good cooking dinner for the family. Saitaoha asked ‘mummy why is there a MOUNTAIN of vegetables? Why is it like a mountain?’ She proceeded to help demolish the mountain and it became more of a hill, that’s what happens when you don’t eat lunch at school, you make up for it during dinner. After self feeding herself dinner she asked me ‘are you happy now?’ This Saitaoha is always eager to please and likes making others happy, she reminds me of myself and I can’t say it doesn’t worry me.

It was a good understated Valentine’s Day with not much fanfare.

We will be going out to celebrate Valentines’s tonight though! R surprised me a couple of weeks back by telling me he had booked our favourite restaurant for dinner and asked whether my parents could look after the kid that night. We are looking forward to a date night and some good food and wine.

The silver lining behind the clouds is finally shining and god I’m glad it’s arrived.

Shattered

Saitaomei has been down with a bad stomach virus for the past week. She’s been having a running fever and diarrhoea and the end does not seem near at all. To say that I’m utterly miserable is an understatement. In the height of the Coronavirus pandemic, every illness feels more serious and scary. My heart breaks when she cries during every nappy change. When she quietly and shamefully deposits herself in a hidden corner for another watery episode. When she cries for milk and I give in despite knowing milk isn’t the best for diarrhoea.

I’m on the bus to work as I’m writing this and I so don’t want to be here. I just want to be with my kids, to give Saitaomei a hug and tell her it’s ok after her nappy changes, to wipe her sweaty forehead and to stroke her brow when she falls asleep, exhausted after battling fever and another bout of diarrhoea.

But I can’t. I have an important meeting that I have to attend in the absence of my teammates who have flown out of the city for work. They are pulling a lot of weight, filling in for me whilst I was on leave, there is a lot of stress to get this done. We are slowly moving away from the toxic environment, but the aftermath of her shocking legacy will linger on till hopefully she’s one day forgotten.

It’s still not the best environment to be in, and doesn’t buoy much enthusiasm especially when my entire being is wanting to just be with the kids.

I wish I was stronger and that my kids being sick didn’t affect me so badly. I wish I could just take it in stride, it’s been four years of being a mum now and I’m still no better at handling this situation. I just feel broken and so so shattered.

Last day

Even though I’ve been complaining and wishing for the holiday to end, now that we’re flying out tomorrow, I can’t help but wish we could rewind back to the start of the holiday again!

The decorating of the house, buying and snacking of CNY treats, waiting for the stroke of midnight, letting off firecrackers and admiring the fireworks circling the smoky night sky.

There’s too much overeating. Always too much food.

But local food is so delicious. Saitaomei enjoyed her daily breakfast of kolo mee very much! She even picked up fallen strands of kolo mee from her skirt and ate them, 宁可杀错不可放过😅.

I was glad when we strayed from our daily kolo mee and had yummy kueh chap instead.

Foochow cha ju mein, it’s not my favourite but I wanted to taste it so I can try to recreate the flavours back home.

The Hakka association annual CNY dinner which turned out much more enjoyable than I thought it would be. Thankfully my poor sisters’ families came along in a show of support, otherwise it would be a dull night. I only wish my brother had not flown home in the morning, as usual, I didn’t get to spend enough time with him.

The kids had so much fun at the playground during my birthday. I believe it was one of the highlights of their trip.

Mei mei and papa 🥰.

And just like that our Chinese New Year holiday is over!