Downsizing

Today my father suddenly told me about how my parents have been thinking about possibly downsizing and moving to a smaller place when my kids go to high school in a few years.

For close to a decade, ever since Saitaomei was born, we have been living a stone’s throw away from each other. It’s been a wonderful decade and I’ve definitely benefited immensely from having my parents close by, and yet living independently from each other enough to avoid the usual tension that comes from living together. My kids have had a wonderful childhood, one that I know they will look back on in their adulthood and reminisce on how good they had it, being surrounded with love and tenderness from Gung Gung and Mah Mah growing up.

The truth is it’s also been weighing on my mind these couple of years, and I worry a lot when I see my father looking after his massive garden especially during scorching summer days. I know his green thumb and his fruits of labour have given him a lot of satisfaction and pride over the years, but it’s a lot of hard work, and something he should tend to less as he grows older. I also think about the house and wonder whether I should hire a cleaner to lessen my mother’s workload. But I also know they don’t like the idea of having strangers come through their house. I constantly also worry about my mother being stressed out, and her life being hampered and constrained because she helps out so much with my kids. She should be like the other retirees, having tea and cakes at cafes with friends during the day, relaxing and resting at night.

Downsizing is probably the right thing to do and their quality of life will improve. But it is sad for me to think that they may in the near future not live right next door. After living away from home since the age of 18, it was such a joy and pleasure for me when my parents moved to Australia and hanging out with them became a daily, weekly occasion, instead of reading my mother’s emails on my uni computer, and waiting for summer holidays for my annual visit home.

Life shifts and changes in ways that we can never predict. What might seem permanent can transition overnight. I know that in recent years, I’ve have become increasingly anxious and concerned about my ageing parents. It is something that I cannot control, and it brings about so many emotions, sadness, worry, gratitude and love. The greatest emotion of all is fear. I think I live in constant fear for my ageing parents.

I feel pulled between wanting to hold on to who they were and trying to accept who they’re becoming.

I so badly want to protect my parents but I also want to respect their independence. It’s a constant balancing act between love and fear, between memory and reality. While my preference is to wrap my parents in a safe cocoon, I do know that this is not what they want. They don’t want to rely on their kids, they want their own independence.

I can’t explain the gripping fear and overwhelming grief of watching someone you love slowly change. You grieve the version of them who could do everything, remember everything, carry everything.

I need to prepare myself better for the next stage of life, or rather, the next stage of my parents’ lives. I constantly tell myself to live in the present, to appreciate what I have before me, but it is really so difficult when I’m gripped in fear of what might come next.

If only I was a braver soul. If only I could learn to let go. If only I was less selfish. If only I was a better daughter.