It’s a lazy Sunday afternoon, the heatwave in Perth has finally let up, there is a cool breeze in the air and cloudy skies which hint of long desired rain in the evening. I have just sent the reluctant kids off for a nap (they wanted to play more), but I’m not sure that this will work and have a feeling they will be tip toeing out of their room before long with guilty eyes (that’s Saitaoha) and mischievous grins (that’s Saitaomei) because they know they have not followed a ‘mummy order’. Ah well, at least I have 15 minutes of me time, dinner is coming along nicely on the slow cooker, the kids have been fed and showered, I have R’s lunch boxed stacked in the freezer, and the kids’ lunches of sushi rolls are in the fridge. It was a productive Sunday, one that I haven’t had for a while.
The first week of being 39 has been tough and I hope doesn’t signal the year to come. The booster shot and its side effects was unexpected and completely ruined my last week of holidays. I still managed to get some tasks of my to-do list, but really, it wasn’t much. After two years of procrastination, for I am a master of procrastination, I finally have some semblance of a will made out. Writing a will is tough business, because it’s difficult to think of a time when I’m not around for my kids and my family, what happens to them, who will look after them, will they be alright. It makes you question your choice of a life partner, is he really someone that you can entrust your kids to? And your finances? At the end of it, I found it sad that I don’t have that much trust and faith in R yet. I’m not saying he’s not deserving, he might feel the same way about me, but he’s just not the hands on kind of dad or what people nowadays call ‘an equal partner’ in parenting, I cannot hand on heart say, this guy will put my children as priority should I not be there. I know, I know very clearly, and I think he does too, that I am the anchor of our little family, and should I not be there, I really really hope that I made the right choice, and he will step up and look after my children with all the love and care in the world.
I have many resolutions that I want to set for myself this year, but I don’t know whether I should, am I just setting myself up to fail. If anything, I know I’m a really bad planner and manager, I am called daitaoha for a very valid reason. I just sort of seem to amble along with no particular goals or ambitions in life, I just know what kind of person I want to be, and try my best to be that person. As an example, I don’t set goals such as , I want to pay off my xx mortgage by whatever percent this year, instead, I think, I should always try to pay off my mortgage and have less debt in life, so I just put money in my offset account, and try not to spend too much. There’s no set goal to it. I think my bad planning habits has made my family suffer? I should have homework plans and goals for the kids’ education, but I’m just so blase, and the past two years of hectic work and made any teaching stressful, ad-hoc and definitely not fun for Saitaoha. I really really want to do better on the homework front for my child who is now a primary school child! I don’t need her to excel academically, but I should not let her fall behind due to my lack of attention and bad planning. I just want her to be able to grow up at a normal pace, to be a happy and healthy child who is confident in herself.
Confidence is something that I’ve always lacked and it has always held me back in life, especially so in my career. It’s something I really want to get a hold of, and challenge myself to develop myself personally and professionally. After having achieved a significant career milestone, one that others have been applauding us over, why do I feel so empty? I have always been taught to be humble, but I think this quality sometimes overtakes so much of my personality that I always end up hiding in the shadows and letting others take the limelight.
This year, the last year of my 30s, I just want to be someone I can like and be proud of again. I’m sure over the past 39 years, there must have been a period in life or times when I was proud of myself, or I liked myself, or felt confident in myself? I just haven’t felt that way for a very very long time, every year, I just find myself beating myself up for being a crappy mother, daughter, wife. I would like this year to be the year where I can look at myself squarely in the eye and think ‘you’re not so bad’.
FTWM life for 2022 officially starts tomorrow. Let’s go!
daitaoha 