Farewell 2019 Hello 2020

I was trying to reflect on my 2019 when I realised that I couldn’t remember anything. Life went by in a blur and I was constantly chasing my tail, my memories are hazy and all I recall is the neverending cycle of the kids and myself being sick and getting well again. This is the reason why I have persisted in keeping a diary or blog of some sorts over the years, even when my brain fails me, my hastily jotted words bring me back my past memories and recollections.

I started this blog in 2009, exactly ten years ago! According to my posts, ten years ago was when I met R which I believe was the turning point and next stage of my life. In 2009 I secured permanency at a position which I then thought was a dream job. It wasn’t the dream job I envisaged but I learned a lot and it was definitely a stepping stone to where I am now in my career.

Fast forward ten years, 2019 was another turning point in my career. I went back to a field that I worked in ten years ago! Only this time it was a hundred times more challenging, not just because of the work context itself, but mostly because of difficult working relationships. Office politics dominated the second half of the year and caused me a lot of angst and grief. I wasn’t quite sure how to deal with it and there was the frequent temptation to run away. Luckily I didn’t, instead, I had some of the most difficult work conversations and hard talks of my career. Some were futile but there was also the pivotal moment where I forced my hand and difficult decisions were made. I am not proud of it but I am glad I didn’t back down. 2020 will be the biggest career challenge yet, it’s a make or break year and will define the next stage of my career. However unlike the past decade, work won’t be the dominating factor in my life (I hope!), my family still comes first and that I hope will help keep the stress at bay.

2019 was a really tough year for relationships. Work relationships were tricky and heartwarming at the same time. I enjoyed reconnecting with my old colleagues and working with them again. But some work relationships were challenging and downright horrible. Marriage wise, it’s been ten years since I first met R and we starting going out, six years of marriage. It all sounds very long but if you think about it, it’s not that long in one’s lifespan. You would think after ten years we would have our relationship dynamics down to pat and our marriage would be smooth sailing. The truth is it’s been a rocky couple of years and in 2019 we had some rough patches but also happy moments. I can’t deny that there were days when I tore my hair out and felt our relationship wasn’t worth the trouble or effort. Ten years and I still find it difficult to understand how and why he sometimes acts the way he does, and to be fair, I am sure he struggles with me as well. I wish I could be like other Instagram couples where their values, principles and lifestyles align and all looks peachy and rosy. I wish our marriage was that easy but it’s not. A lot of it is about tolerance, compromise, patience and understanding. With the arrival of kids our social life is pretty much nil, we find it hard to find time to go out on couple dates let alone go out with friends without the kids in tow. But we’ve made some changes to that and are trying to expand our social circle. I truly hope 2020 can be a turning point in our marriage where we can find a comfortable rhythm again.

The kids and their development has been the highlight of the year and I believe that will be the case for me every year. Saitaomei is at her cutest stage and is learning new things everyday. She has a strong and independent personality and is quite different to her sister who is sensitive and clingy. She’s a lot easier to take care of now that she has turned two, it’s less physical but more about mental development now and I will have to pay more attention to her cognitive skills including instilling the right values and morals. Saitaoha had a big year, she started her 3 year old pre kindy at our neighbourhood school and will be continuing with her 4 year old pre kindy in 2020. I am so thankful that she really really loves school and has thrived in the warm and fun learning environment. She makes me laugh all the time with her funny comments and stories. She also constantly surprises me at how thoughtful and sweet she can be. She has it tough in that I constantly expect too much from her as the ‘big sister’, it’s a constant struggle for me to remind myself that she’s only three and a small kid, I shouldn’t be putting all the expectations on her just because she is the older child.

Health wise it’s been a good and bad year. Good in that my prolapsed discs have miraculously regressed, bad in that I probably celebrated too much by not exercising, eating badly and irregularly and therefore succumbing to every minor illness under the sun. My immune system is at an all time low and the kids and I were sick A LOT in 2019, I developed bronchitis for the first time ever and had every viral illness going around the daycare. It really was very depressing because I was constantly worried about the poor sick kids, my parents who also caught our illnesses, I missed work or attended work whilst battling embarrassing coughing fits, the kids had coughing and throwing up sessions and boy did I do a lot of laundry runs in 2019.

I say this every year but really it’s been ten years since I took the plunge and really embarked on a weight loss and exercise lifestyle. Can I please just do it this year? It’s embarrassing but I really need to gain my health back! For myself and for the kids too.

2019 was my year of recovery after the bleak 2018, I made small gains in life and slowly regained some of that lost confidence. There are still days when I trudge into my house and look at the mess and pigsty that I live in and think ‘what the hell am I doing?!’, but I have some hope in regaining some stability from the chaos of mummyhood that I have struggled with post kids. Maybe 2020 will be the year where I find myself and regain confidence to become a better mummy, wife, daughter, sister and friend. Fingers crossed🤞🏻. Happy New Year everyone!

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