Down in the dumps

It’s been a pretty lousy week. Both kids are sick with Saitaomei having the worst of it. I always spiral into this black hole when the kids are unwell, maybe it’s the lack of sleep, or the incessant crying, or feeling like a failure of a mother for being unable to protect or soothe my children, whatever it is, it makes me feel terrible and I just shut down from the world.

It doesn’t help that work is stressful and so emotionally charged. I love being back in the space where I’m invested and passionate about the cause, the only difference is I am unable to see the light at the end of the tunnel and beginning to doubt my own capabilities.

So yep, all round a failure. Sigh.

Last night despite Saitaomei trashing around in agony and wailing most of the night, we still managed a couple of hours of sleep. But I had the most horrible nightmare that Saitaomei died in a plane crash. The overwhelming grief was too much to bear that I woke up feeling numb. This flu season has been hard on the kids and the newspaper screaming the latest flu death toll is scaring the hell out of me. Yet I know she’s not at the stage where we should be sending her to the doctor’s or hospital, but am I being a bad mother if I don’t ?

So I’m sneaking out of the house at 7am to put in a full day at work when I should really be looking after the kids. And then at night I’ll have to rush to the hospital for my dreaded mri scan. Is this worth it you think?

Oh gosh I hope things take a turn for the better soon.

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July 2019
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