Archive for December 1st, 2018

Magic window

Yelled at Saitaoha today.

Almost yelled at R too. Why is my family so reliant on me?!

😭😭😭. I just wish my parents were back already.


Everyday I’m like Cinderella and have this small window when the fairy godmother waves her wand and I magically feel better and can function like a human being. During those magical hours, I cook a simple dinner, feed the kids (who also magically change from their refusing to eat selves to become foodie angels), bathe Saitaoha and play with the kids.

For a few hours I feel sane, normal and like a mother and wife again. I’m able to joke with R, eat my only meal for the day and prep for the night ahead. Saitaoha loves this magical time the best, for a short time, she gets her mummy back. I hope kids have short term memory and if I get past this ordeal, that she is able to forget her barking mad, snapping and teary mummy who is either groaning in pain or gasping in tears.


I love showering with Saitaoha, it’s our girly ritual.

When I wipe her down with her bear hoodie towel, she always giggles and says ‘hi mummy bear!’

‘Hi Saitaoha bear!’ I replied.

‘I’m not Saitaoha bear, I’m baby bear!’ she said today.

‘Oh ok, hi baby bear’ I said

‘Wah Wah Wah’ Saitaoha fake cries like a baby.

‘What happens when mummy bear cries ?’ I asked her suddenly, thinking of the tears this morning.

She stops play acting and looks at me seriously. She reaches out her little hands and caresses my face ‘Don’t worry mummy bear, it’s ok…’

Then she gave me a kiss and a hug.

Thank you Saitaoha, mummy bear really needed that today 💕💕💕.


Different kind of pain

A lot of family and friends have been asking whether I’m still in pain. The answer is yes, but it’s a different kind of pain, not as constant and I’m able to sleep (sometimes). So, an improvement of some sort?

The pain though is sometimes more uncomfortable and annoying than painful. Imagine a bad leg cramp that never stops. Or a very bad case of pins and needles that makes walking impossible.

When it’s actually painful, it feels like when one has fallen down and grazed your leg badly, thus rubbing off the skin and exposing flesh. Imagine that happens for your entire right calf. Then pouring water over that exposed gaping wound. That’s how it feels when I exert pressure on my leg. It’s excruciating.

The pain itself is not so scary. It’s my thoughts and fears that scare me the most. The fear that this is my norm, the constant taking of painkillers, the limited movement. Even worse, not being able to ever carry my kids, swim, run or walk with them. No nightly supermarket outings. No playground fun. Not being able to join my family during any outings. Not meeting my sisters for lunch or retail therapy. Not partaking in any physical activity. No work or limited work for a long long time. Not being able to cook in the kitchen, or bake. Not being able to look after my children, bathe them, protect them. Not being able to help my parents or look after them. The list goes on and on and on.

It scares the hell out of me.

December 2018
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