Good days bad days

On a good day, I will have had a couple of hours sleep. I will be able to manage the pain at an uncomfortable but not in agony threshold. I’m able to play with the kids, chat with my parents, even cook a quick meal. On a good day, I can even fold the laundry and mop the floor. I can head out to the shops and last for at least half an hour without wincing.

On a bad day, I am awake all night. I watch the clock turn 1am, 2am, 3am… you get the gist. I get up at intervals and start taking a myriad of pills, more in desperation, to halt the pain and stop myself from groaning and thrashing about in bed, thus waking up the kids. On a bad day, I go to the other empty room, away from the husband and kids, where I groan and cry in shameless self pity. I pray to the gods to let me get through this. To end my suffering. In the morning, I can’t function, my only thought is to hustle the kids off to my parents so I don’t have to pretend to be a functioning human being. My child cries because I’m ignoring her. I’m a heartless, horrible mother but at that moment I just can’t.

When I finally wake up, my head is so groggy from the pills, it feels like I’m in a fog. I splash water on my face and drink lots of water. I don’t want to die like those celebrities from an overdose. It hurts to walk, sit or lie. I go over to my parents but am a miserable grouch. I feel sorry for them and for my kids.

Sometimes, many times I wonder what will happen if the procedure doesn’t heal me tomorrow. Please just heal me. I need to be me again.


4 Responses to “Good days bad days”

  1. 1 5feetfive November 27, 2018 at 7:05 pm

    I have you in my prayers. 🙏🏻 Bon courage!

  2. 3 laxshmiseoul November 27, 2018 at 7:51 pm

    Good luck with your procedure, i pray that you will heal soon. Hugs.

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November 2018
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