Archive for November 27th, 2018

Home is where the heart is

We have to be at the hospital by 6.15 am tomorrow *gulp*. I’m not worried about not being able to wake up since nowadays I don’t can’t sleep. But I am worried about the kids, it will mean disrupting their sleeping patterns.

Ah ma suggested that I stay over at theirs with the kids. So when I sneak out of the house, the kids can keep sleeping with their grandparents watching over them. That’s how I find Saitaoha and I sleeping in the guest bedroom tonight. Saitaoha calls it the ‘cupcake room’ because the bedsheets have cupcakes on them. I wanted to have Saitaomei with me because she sleeps better with me, but of course the vocal big sister insisted on sleeping with her mummy.

I feel safe in this house, especially with my parents just next door. Earlier ah pa was mopping the floor and turned on the heater insisting that the room is very cold despite it being a warm spring day (ah ma was trying not to roll her eyes ‘you know what your ah pa is like!’ she whispered). Yes that’s my ah pa, kind, caring and considerate to a fault.

But I won’t switch off the heater because I don’t want him to worry about us shivering in the cold. I am thankful though, and also shameful, that at my ripe old age, I still have my parents looking after me as if I were a young child.

I really hope I can fully recover soon so I can take off some of the burden from them and they can stop worrying about me and 享清福 a bit.

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Good days bad days

On a good day, I will have had a couple of hours sleep. I will be able to manage the pain at an uncomfortable but not in agony threshold. I’m able to play with the kids, chat with my parents, even cook a quick meal. On a good day, I can even fold the laundry and mop the floor. I can head out to the shops and last for at least half an hour without wincing.

On a bad day, I am awake all night. I watch the clock turn 1am, 2am, 3am… you get the gist. I get up at intervals and start taking a myriad of pills, more in desperation, to halt the pain and stop myself from groaning and thrashing about in bed, thus waking up the kids. On a bad day, I go to the other empty room, away from the husband and kids, where I groan and cry in shameless self pity. I pray to the gods to let me get through this. To end my suffering. In the morning, I can’t function, my only thought is to hustle the kids off to my parents so I don’t have to pretend to be a functioning human being. My child cries because I’m ignoring her. I’m a heartless, horrible mother but at that moment I just can’t.

When I finally wake up, my head is so groggy from the pills, it feels like I’m in a fog. I splash water on my face and drink lots of water. I don’t want to die like those celebrities from an overdose. It hurts to walk, sit or lie. I go over to my parents but am a miserable grouch. I feel sorry for them and for my kids.

Sometimes, many times I wonder what will happen if the procedure doesn’t heal me tomorrow. Please just heal me. I need to be me again.


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