Archive for November 13th, 2018

雨过天晴

The physiotherapist warned me that I would feel extra sore after my session yesterday. She wasn’t kidding. I woke Saitaomei up at 3am (my witching hour again) with my coughs, she started wailing and I was in agony trying to carry her and soothe her to sleep. She cried, I cried.

Then 3 hours later I got ready for work very very slowly. Couldn’t even bring myself to talk to R because I knew it would be self pity drivel. I was so desperate I even tried the blow dryer on my leg for some heat. Lack of sleep +pain +mummy brain = brains fried.

I was feeling miserable and looking it. My child looked at me and said ‘I’m sorry mummy’. My heart broke into a million pieces and I said ‘I’m sorry Saitaoha’. I’m sorry I haven’t been a good, happy, active and able bodied mummy to you and Saitaomei.

At work my colleagues said I looked pale and in pain. I tried to sit down but it hurt too much. I printed off work and tried standing at the common area. But even that got too painful after a while so I started walking around the floor to loosen my muscles. Close to noon I knew it was impossible and that I wasn’t doing my company or myself any justice by pretending to be working when what I really wanted to do was lie down and shoot morphine down my veins.

So I left work and hung around the city to grab a lift from my sister to go to the doctor’s. Before that I went to my other sister’s office to pass her some chocolates for my niece. I just felt like I would feel better if I saw my sisters to be honest. She asked me whether I was ok and to my horror I started tearing! She felt so sorry for me that she started tearing too and gave me a much needed hug. Then she told me a funny story and I felt so much better.

I bought dinner for my parents, ah ma’s favourite Japanese because I wanted to somehow lessen her workload. I know they’ve had to help out even more than ever with my situation. My sister and I caught the train together and it was nice picking up my nephew at his school and listening to my sister chatter to her mummy friends. I felt quite apologetic because I wasn’t very friendly to her friends but honestly, I was still in pain and making conversation has been difficult lately.

The doctor gives me a week’s medical cert and asks me to come back after a week to see whether I need more leave. I think I might need another doctor, my normal GP is great for common colds and flus, but I don’t think he is as good at prescribing longer term treatment and care for conditions like mine. I told him I’ve only been taking off the shelf painkillers but they’re not working. He prescribes me stronger painkillers even though I worry out loud it might make me drowsy and I want to be alert for the kids. He said ‘why would you want to live in pain?’ Point taken.

I tell R I’m so excited for my painkiller, the last time I got so excited was when I had gallstones and that was a killer. We go to the pharmacy and supermarket with both kids, Saitaoha asked me to carry her but I said I’m sorry baby, I can’t 😭.

Pushing the trolley is not easy, this ordeal has humbled me greatly and I miss my mobility so so much. I will never take it for granted again. To walk, sit and stand without pain is such a blessing, I haven’t been pain free for a very long time.

Ah pa tells me to stay positive, ‘既来之则安之’ he said, since it had already happened, you just have to face the music. Tia, an jua chio’ asked ah ma. How to laugh when you’re in pain?

But truly, I was able to laugh amidst tears today because of my family.


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