Archive for November 11th, 2018

The witching hours

Isn’t it ironic that my child now sleeps through the night yet I now have sleeping patterns of a newborn? Every night I drift in and out of sleep every couple of hours and eventually wake up to take painkillers with the hope that it will numb the pain and allow me to sleep. It never works and I usually toss and turn and watch the the sun rise every morning. It is soul crushing and energy zapping at the same time. During these mind numbing witching hours, I have morbid thoughts and wonder what I’ve done so badly to have the universe treat me this way. It’s hours of 我的天 self pity and I honestly hate myself being like that. Pain, lack of sleep and exhaustion really brings out the worst in a person and gosh have I seen the worst in myself.

Today Saitaoha insisted on going to her Gung Gung Mah Mah’s house the second her eyes snapped open. She then proceeded to have a mini meltdown when I said ‘how about stay home with mummy?’ In the end my ah pa whisked her away with Saitaomei and I had a morning of trying to get some sleep. I was sad and relieved at the same time. Even my child doesn’t want to be around me and I really don’t blame her.

Dark days like these I just miss the old me so badly. The old me that didn’t have aches and pains everywhere. The one where I was mobile and could go travelling and trek around for foodie haunts. The old me that could babywear my child for hours and rock her to sleep. I just miss feeling alive and not being in pain so much.

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