The kids are sick

Both kids are sick 🤒. Saitaomei has the worse of the bug, she is unable to sleep at night because of her congested nose, keeps rubbing her eyes and ears and just cries and cries all night long. She’s also been running a fever on and off, I’m monitoring her temp closely and so far it’s not too high. But this is definitely her most serious bout of illness yet at 10 months +.

I’ve been taking time off work mostly because the nights are so bad I can barely function in the mornings. Sometimes when she’s wailing and thrashing about in her throes of agony, I have to remind myself this is temporary and not cry along with her. But I feel so sorry for my bubba. And her big sister who is now with her grandparents but tells me she wants to go home every night.

I think about the upcoming three weeks when my parents go home and I’ll be with the kids all day alone. What the workplace must think of me, taking long periods of leave again and again, how my career has been washed down the drain. The other day one of my teammates tried to compliment me for a piece of work that I did for them, saying that the VIPs liked the work a lot. I think he was disappointed that I was not more receptive to the praise. How do I say this? It felt so odd to be praised for such low level, and to me, mediocre work. But I should be grateful. That at least during times like this when my kids are sick, they won’t miss me when I’m not at work. I am easily replaceable and dispensable. But I can’t lie, it does grate at the ego a bit.

If only I could feel a bit better about myself on other fronts. But I don’t. Physically , I look and feel terrible, I am a bag of broken bones wrapped in a huge layer of fat. Mentally, I question my capabilities as a mother.

But I am dealing with this self doubt much better than say six months ago. There are dark periods, usually in the wee hours of the morning when I’m pulling my hair out with a planking, screaming sick baby. But in the mornings, I always feel better. Thankful for my parents who sacrifice so much to help me. Thankful for my cute girls whom I love to pieces. Thankful for a husband that I can speak to about my worries and inner thoughts. We’ve had to work at this, really talking to each other, but we are improving.

So it’s not all bad, in the light of day, there’s actually a lot of good.


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October 2018
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