Archive for May 30th, 2018

Broken coffee machine

Most days I think I can do this. It’s not so bad to be a SAHM with two kids, I get to spend ample time with my kids, I am there to feed, clothe, nurture and mother them. I get to witness all the smiles, the giggles, Saitaoha’s expanding vocabulary and Saitaomei’s meerkat grins. In fact, I’m part of the smiles and giggles, that’s the best part, to know you’re capable of lighting up your child’s face, that despite your major flaws, your impatience and your temper, they forgive and forget. They love you.

I know that I can’t do this for long though. At night when they fall asleep, sometimes close to midnight, despite feeling totally exhausted and deprived of sleep, I still sneak out to the living room for that half an hour of reading, or surfing dayre, something that is not mummy related. I just need to not be mummy for a little while. And that’s why I know I need to return to work.

Last night was a bad night, Saitaomei couldn’t fall back to sleep from 3am and lasted till 6am! Why do they torture you when you’re at your most weak and vulnerable stage? I raised my voice at her ‘go to sleep Saitaomei! You will wake jeje up!’ Reasoning with a six month old as if she would understand , I was obviously very very tired.

The morning after always wear me out because I’m so grumpy and lethargic. I feel bad because it’s not my kids’ fault that lack of sleep brings out the worst in me. I dislike this side of me so much.

The electrician calls to tell me that he can’t fix our coffee machine. It take a huge effort for me to bite my tongue and not snap ‘thanks for telling me that after holding the machine hostage for two months!’ Little things like that irk me so much more with lack of sleep.

I hope the rest of the week flies by.

May 2018
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