Life seems to consist of waiting for the kids to nap and waiting for the kids to wake up from their naps. Time trickles by just like that, it makes going out almost impossible because unfortunately their napping times are not in sync. And I wasn’t even going anywhere exciting, it was a much needed trip to the butchers 😓. My life is unglamorous like that.

We finally made it out and both kids fell asleep in the car! So R waited in the car whilst I made a mad dash in the rain to grab the meat. It was worth it because my first attempt at 西洋菜汤 was a success. I made it because poor ah pa has a cough and I read that this soup is good for coughs.

With both kids at home, there was hardly any time to breathe. It was chop chop get dinner ready. Feed Saitaoha. Send food to ah ma halfway because I’m afraid ah pa will be hungry. R eats dinner while carrying Saitaomei. I continue to feed Saitaoha. My turn to eat dinner, his turn to feed Saitaomei. Wash dishes. Take turns bathing the kids. Put Saitaomei down for her nap. Take turns to shower. Run the laundry. Hang laundry. Feed Saitaomei. Saitaomei has a poonami, another bath is required. Saitaoha wants a snack. In between all that , squeeze in pumping sessions. It’s actually impossible to squeeze all that in a night so something has to go, I miss a pumping session and it’s five hours before my next pump. I feel so engorged and uncomfortable.

Settled Saitaomei for the night but could hear Saitaoha whining and calling for me in the bedroom. So once Saitaomei was asleep, as much as I longed to have some me time, I snuck into the bedroom. She was delighted to see me. My poor baby. We feel that she’s grown up so much since our Melbourne trip, she seems more resilient. But it also makes me sad because I don’t want her to lose her baby innocence. She whispers to me and we sing ABC in whispery tones. I envelope her in a hug. She hugs me for a long time, her fingers caressing my face, her cheek resting on my shoulder. It’s as if she knows this is a rare moment when mummy’s attention is solely on her. Just Saitaoha and mummy time. I’ve been with her all day but I miss her.

Yesterday I went to ah ma’s house and chanced upon ah pa sitting outside. He didn’t see me and was just sitting on a chair staring into space. He was coughing a bit and looked totally exhausted. When he spotted me he waved to me and told me not to come near because he was sick. Afterwards ah Ma told me that he was with Saitaomei early in the morning while Ah Ma conked out. I know how those 2-3 hourly feeding rituals can make you feel totally spent. Ah pa looked so old and tired, I felt like a useless daughter.

My sister had asked me to join her on her Singapore trip. I want to say yes in a heartbeat. But … there’s always buts. I can’t justify the expense. R won’t be able to join us. His birthday falls on those dates. I wish I could be more decisive. I don’t know when I became this dishevelled, insecure and anxious worrywart. Actually I do know, since I became a mother! I’m so unsure of myself all the time, I don’t know what I’m doing.

Some days I’m ok and I tell myself it’s ok that my parents are leaving, I can handle two kids without help, I’ll be fine. Then there are days like today when I think, I barely survived and that was because R was around, how am I going to cope when it’s just me?

Sigh. I think I need another Saitaoha hug. I might go stroke Saitaomei’s face and hold her little finger for a while.

1 Response to “Breathe”

  1. 1 iloveicecream May 7, 2018 at 2:16 pm

    I feel exhausted reading it too. Somehow, you will be fine, it’s the uncertainty that kills us. Just one day at a time. Baby steps. You are still a first time mum of two!

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May 2018
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