Archive for April 11th, 2018


Saitaoha and my family are down with a mystery stomach virus. I think Saitaoha has the worst of the virus, she vomited three times last night! It was a crazy night of bed sheet stripping, quick showers, puke cleaning and washing machine in overdrive. Poor R had to go to work straight after, Saitaoha finally stopped vomiting and fell asleep in my arms around 7.30 in the morning. We were so tired that we slept till almost 11!

She seemed so much better during the day, until ah Ma tried to feed her dinner and she vomited again. I gave her a bath and we trooped home.

Where she konked out on the sofa at 5pm. I didn’t have the heart to wake her even though I knew such a late nap means a very late night. She looked so tired with her shadows under her eyes. She vomited again after a few bites of food. Sigh, can’t stomach anything.

The rest of the family ain’t well too, poor brother and BIL have a low grade fever, sister and ah Ma have tummy troubles.

I was just commenting to my mother this morning that I feel like I haven’t talked to my brother at all. Even though we have spent time together during family gatherings, most of the time I’m too busy with the kids or cooking/cleaning. I think we’ve only had maybe two 15 minute conversations where it’s just us. Sigh, at this rate he will be gone and I’ll have to wait another year or two before I get the chance to chat with him again. It’s just impossible to spend quality time with anyone in my current state.

Today Saitaoha cuddled with me on the beanbag and we watched some videos together. I thought to myself that it’s been a while since I’ve just truly spent time with her. It feels like I’m always scolding or nagging her. Just going through the motions of being a robot mum, changing nappies, pumping, feeding, bath, cooking, pumping … I don’t stop to enjoy my children anymore and I feel like I can’t because I’m struggling to get through the day.

The worst part is I see my zombie shell like aura mirrored in my parents. Saitaomei isn’t the best sleeper and physically my parents seem to be tiring more easily. The lack of rest is making them grouchy and grumpy. This makes me feel even more awful. I have been thinking that I should put Saitaoha in full time childcare and take Saitaomei off their hands? But what happens when I go back to work ? Childcare for Saitaomei too? But what if she goes on a milk strike like Saitaoha did?

I really feel like a failure sometimes. The weight of responsibility is crushing. I don’t resent my responsibilities, but it kills me that I can’t do them well. 老的少的都顾不好, 太失败了.

April 2018
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